Ted is a growing boy.

Well. We have it. The verdict from todays doctors appointment is in. Ted is growing. He grew about 1mm each month from the last time I was in (March) so 3mm in all, but any growth is bad growth. In fact as Im writing this I am still very drugged up from the procedure. Good news is: the pain meds worked and it didnt hurt nearly as bad this time as it did the last when I didnt have any pain meds. Thank the lord. Next bad news is that there is more fluid on my abdomen. This could mean a few things: I could have endometriosis that we dont know about (would be very bad for having children), It could be from Ted moving around (which is what we think it is) or it could be from some other unknown source (which would be VERY bad ie another tumor, multiple cysts). The next bad news is that Ted is dangerously close to my fallopian tube, which means that surgery is going to have to be VERY precise otherwise I will be in further fertility problems. And finally the final word from the Doc was "You've got 6 months or less to get it out". Damn. The goal originally was to wait until I was ready to have children before doing surgery. I'm not really at that spot right now. I can't have surgery before I go on active duty, because of lots of complications with , "change in health status" "medical profiles" and other logistical things, so really my only option is to wait. But waiting too long could mean me risking having to have a radical hysterectomy before Im 25: not something Im interested in. Surprisingly...I'm not upset. I think I may (no guarantees) have gotten to a place where I can finally accept things and face them as they come. I am however very itchy. Damn Vikodin.

I am NOT my parents.

Moving back home is rough, REAL ROUGH. Its even more rough when you've been out of the house for the last almost 4 years and now your having to come back to a house where 2 other children have already moved back in. Its crowded, but I am truly appreciative of the fact that my parents were generous enough to let me come home during this strange time of transition while I'm waiting for orders from the Army. However, in the 3 weeks that I've been here, one thing has become painfully clear. I AM NOT MY PARENTS!
Oh good lord how I am not like them! We do have a lot of commonalities and I do have traits that I can straight be like, "Yup, got that from Dad" or "Yup, got that from my Mom". But as I am getting older I am able to look at more things and be like ummmm....... ya. Not so much.
For example: Matt is OCD about cleanliness and organization. Which I like, because Im OCD about cleanliness and organization. I LIKE things to be clean, I LIKE things to be organized. My parents house is very much the opposite. I try to keep things really clean, I vacuum, mop, tidy, all those things but for the most part its just Me and my sister that keeps up with it. My parents are ok if things get messy and then they deal with it.
I guess the older you get the more realistic you are when looking at those around. I definitely love my family, and my parents. But that doesnt mean I have to be the same as them.

Just a little longer... PLEASE!

So, for the last few weeks I have been relatively pain free. I have little twinges here and there, but for the most part this is the longest I have gone without pain since this whole tumor crap began. Until tonight. Boy-howdy did Ted make a come-back. I'm sitting on the couch right now skyping Matt sitting with my back perfectly straight, reclined to a perfect 45 degree angle, trying very hard not to take too deep of a breath in, or to exhale too completely. Ted is pissed. And he's telling me about it. Problem is I still dont have insurance. So really what I need from Ted is just for him to hold off from pulling this nonsense for another couple weeks until I'm covered by the Army.  Uggg... Heres hoping this ends soon, otherwise I may have to bust out the big guns (vikadin) that the doctor tells me Im supposed to be taking regularly. Psshhhh.. what does he know.

Optimism

I do like my job... I do like my job... I do like my job... I swear I keep repeating this to myself OVER and OVER again in an effort to remind myself that I like what I'm doing. Last summer around this time when I found out I was going to go work on the Burn ICU I was terrified. I mean TERRIFIED about working with burns. I mean honestly its such a traumatic, emotional, injury that its just hard to deal with sometimes. And unlike other injuries, you can never predict who will make it and who wont. Burns just aren't predictable like that. Thank God we're not seeing as many serious burns as we used to see. We still see a lot of them, but very different than the burns we were seeing out of Iraq. But when I got to the Burn ICU. I LOVED it. Absolutely 100% loved it. The only thing that would have made it better was if 1. I wasn't living in a hotel at the time and had my car. and 2. if I was a full blown licensed nurse and was working independently (in other words, not still a student). Every day that I went in was exciting, the people were awesome, and I truly felt like I was helping people. Its really part of what inspired me to want to continue and get my M.D (but thats a different post). Going back to nursing school however KILLED ME. Like literally sucked the soul and inspiration out of me.  I went from working as part of a team and being respected (to a degree) to being treated like a total idiot. The entire last year of nursing school, especially the last semester I spent the entire time reminding myself that I like my job. I LOVED my job.
Now that I'm out of school things have gotten a little better. I feel more excited now, and less apprehensive, about going into the Army. And I truly feel that God has led me in this direction and that he has good things waiting for me. However comma.  Lately I've been hearing from a lot of my friends who are also military about how horrible it is. They tell me a variety of horror stories about how crappy it is, how much the people suck, etc. etc. etc. and it TERRIFIES me. These are people who were totally gun-ho about the Army (sorta like I am) and now they're telling me they hate it! I'm so terrified thats going to happen to me! I feel like for me its a little different. Having come from a previous career of teaching, and being 21 when I joined, and now 24 when I'm actually starting work, I think makes a little different. Maybe Im a little wiser? Not really sure on that one, but I'd like to think so. I 100% believe that 90% of any military branch (or anything you do for that matter) is attitude. Matt is such a great inspiration for having a good attitude. I dont think I've ever hear him say a negative word. So for now I am going to try to stay positive, hope for the best, but prepare for the worst, and pray that God leads me where I belong, and trust that he will provide. :-)

Like nailing jello to a tree...

So here I sit at my parents house, waiting for the Army to send me somewhere.... ANYWHERE. Living on my parents couch is ANYTHING but glamorous. In fact, waiting for this whole licensing thing is sorta like trying to nail jello to a tree... very frustrating. Normally, waiting wouldn't be so bad.. Except.. you guessed it, Ted comes into Play. See.. me commissioning as an officer into the Army means I'm "active duty"... me not having my license means the army doesnt consider me  "active duty" and therefore I dont get paid, and am also not eligible for health care. There in lies the BIG problem. See... In a week, I run out of my Rx. And in 2 weeks, I go back in for another Ted ultrasound.....So therefore I need to be taking my NCLEX (test to get your license to be a nurse) in like 2 weeks or less... Oh joy. Why cant things run smoothly...?
So on top of all the frustration about my license... theres the frustration of living at home. Let me start by saying, if its 7 am, and I'm not awake yet, please dont come in and try to explain to me the 101 different things you would like me to do... because honestly... I'm not listening. Next on my list.. because I'm living here I volunteer to do several  around the house chores... I clean, I vacuum, I mop.. just stuff to help out. But the part that irritates the hell out of me.. is when my parents come up later and demand that I clean the kitchen or mop the floor because I need to, "Help Out"... Uggg SO annoying. I cant wait to have my own place again...

The equation for happiness.

So here I sit in my room/parents living room , not even noon yet and I have already: Vaccumed, mopped, gone to the DMV, gone to the post office, stopped by the sewing machine repair place, dusted, cleaned the cat boxes, cleaned the kitchen and dinning room and picked up my bed from this morning and I still have the rest of the day ahead of me!  Being here is VERY stressful for me. Over the last several months I have taken on a new attitude towards life: less is more. I'm tired of living in the "need" mentality. " I NEED this... I NEED that." Honestly, I dont NEED half the crap I have. And my parents don't NEED about 90% of the crap they have. In fact, their house is pretty much filled to the brim with, you guessed it,  Crap! Every drawer in this house is filled with SOMETHING. In fact yesterday while looking for some fabric in my moms armoir, I found shirts that she hasn't worn since 1961. Not even kidding. I tell you all this because lately my Mom has been very unhappy with , "All this" as she calls it, referring vaguely to the house, the cars, the garage, just life in general I think. She's tired. And I don't blame her. My parents have a 3,000 square foot house that they remodeled, 18 chickens, 2 dogs, 4 cats and currently 2 baby birds we rescued. 3 of the 4 cats have serious medical problems, 1 is diabetic and Im pretty sure is in kidney failure and needs to be put down (he has recently lost control of his bowel and bladder) the second has chronic stomach problems and needs an $80 shot every few months, and the 3rd recently was injured while napping under the hood of my dads truck and now is sort of.... special.  On top of which my parents have a trailer park in southwest Missouri that houses the lowest of the low in that area (druggies and felons) they also have a rental house next door to ours, a third house next door that they are remodeling, and a house in Fayetteville that they are hoping to sell. Can you say overwhelming! On top of all of this, my parents both worth full time, technically my mom works more than full time... about 60 hours a week... and thus.. all this "need more" has left them with less than nothing. They are stressed all the time, argue constantly, and live their lives wondering how they are going to afford the next, "NEED".  So for my parents, their, "Happiness equation" looks something like this: Too much work+ too many projects+ too little time + too big of a house+ too much crap in house = stress + poor + unhappy.
There it is. The more I look around the more I realize that the number associated with happiness is 0. Not too much, and not too little. Matt and I have had tons of talks about doing things differently. For example, neither him nor I watch TV.... and we dont want to. #1. its expensive  #2. its crap (most of it) #3. it takes up too much time and #4 We dont NEED it... I dont want to be a slave to my things and a slave to the things that need to be taken care of ... Basically from here on out, I want to live my life with less, that way I have more. :-)

Back to reality.

Well, after 26 hours of driving: Its back to reality. Living in denial was so nice! For a whole 2 weeks,  I got to act like a normal person! And DANG it felt good!  Being in California is just so comfortable. Being with Matt is so comfortable. Its like that super cool leather jacket you bought years ago thats way trendy, looks and feels great on you, and everyone else wants to have. Strange analogy, but thats how I explain it. I miss it so much already. Its not even that we do anything super crazy or exciting... we just... live. Talk, eat, go for runs, just simple stuff, and its amazing, because we get to do it together.
I guess coming back "home" has its benifits too. In this limbo period before me going on active duty I'm staying at my parents house.... which is strange in a way. Number 1, I'm a neat freak (not as bad as Matt, but still) and my parents........... not so much.  Number 2,  not having to pay rent is pretty outstanding, and I do enjoy getting to cook in my moms huge kitchen. Number 3, actually having tv to watch is strange. Neither Matt or I have TV and we dont really care for it. Too many other things we could be doing instead of watching all that crap, and for the things we do want to see we have the internet. Right now Blackhawk down (one of my favorite movies) is on TV, but I muted it because the noise from it is irritating... I'd rather have the quiet. And Number 4, sleeping on the couch kinda sucks. But.... I remind myself.... its rent free. So I cant really complain.
I do have a few projects planned for myself. Making a quilt for Matt, some drawings, gardening, and running everyday, to name a few... So... as for now... its back to reality for me.