Because I need to vent...

Friday, September 30, 2011

pure exhaustion

Let me start off with this: I dont want your pitty. I dont want it, and I especially dont need it. And I really hope that the people who read this dont see it as a plea for attention. I write on here because the last year has been a little rough, and with everything Ive been through I thought (as well as several Doctors thought) this might be therapeutic and also informative.

I feel so old right now. Ive been called an old soul before- and I inside I still feel like the same person- but my God on the outside... Im just so flippin tired. There aren't even words to explain in. I know its caused by the medication- I know its just part of this whole deal. But good Lord All Mighty.... I need some help with this one.

People dont even understand when I tell them, 'Im exhausted"... they just think "well arent we all!?" It makes me want to show them... makes me want to slip a few of my pills into their oatmeal each morning and see how they feel after all those shitty hormones.

After making an  Im exhausted statement once, an older lady came back with, "Oh Honey- wait till your MY age! THEN  youll know exhaustion". I cant imagine it getting any worse than this- short of not even moving during the day- so lets hope from here on out things improve.

Its frustrating though- especially when you want to do things with all the kids your own age- like go out and drink, or stay up late. Its 11:00 as Im writing this (mostly just to get this off my chest) and I can barely keep my eyes open- and I had a nap today.
I try so hard not to let people see it in me during the day- and I hope that Im sucessful at that. I dont want people to look at me and think how tired I look. I'm 24 and I realize the world isnt fair- but Ill say it again- its just not fair.
Cant stay awake any longer- just too exhausted.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The good and the bad.

Its been a while since I've written anything on here. Things have been going well. I took my post surgery PT (physical training) test for the Army and did very well. I set a personal goal of 270 for myself and scored an overall 275! Definitely made me feel good. PT still makes me nervous. I'm afraid Im going to revert to my old accident prone ways and end up hurting myself.
Today was my first post-surgery ultra sound, and it was good and bad all at the same time. The good thing is that internally it looks as if my incision has healed. Its slightly strange because when you look at the ultra sound my uterus looks like this big chunk is missing. There is a small cyst of some-sort in the scar of my uterus. We werent really sure what that was- however the Doc will look at it tomorrow and they will let me know.
For the last week or so Ive stopped taking the estrogen supplements and they started me on progesterone- this is the sort of "reset" button for my body, and was a key point of treatment in retaining my ability to have children. After weeks of estrogen therapy and another week of progesterone they expected the endometrial layer of my uterus to be "thick and healthy" (gross I know)... but unfortunately thats not what we saw. In fact it was very thin and did not look like it was forming very well. There is a possibility that my body just hasnt had enough time to recover- and that eventually my uterus will become "healthy" again- but right now theres no way to know.

Progesterone also makes me very cranky (frankly bitchy). I think after being on all that estrogen for so long I got used to to the "emotional" side of things. But the progesterone sends me from zero to pissed in like 2 seconds. I feel bad- because I really dont mean to be so... well... mean. But it just happens. I feel like this whole year has taken such a toll on me, mentally and physically.

Originally I was making arrangements to have friends help me during my recovery period- but my parents insisted that they would work it out and they did. Now it seems like I have accrued this debt that Im unable to pay back- I always just figured thats what family is for... but life lesson #321,445,456 there is always a cost - nothing in life is free.

Its so frustrating.... to know that no matter what I do- no matter if I excercise, eat right, take all the right meds, no matter what I do I can't change the outcome of all of this.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

hormones make girls crazy.

As a female I think I am allowed to say that we, as a gender, are slightly off quilter as it is- we all have those girly tendencies that we know are ridiculous and yet we take part in anyways- like watching chick-flick movies you know will make you cry or running extra laps at the track so you can have an extra scoop of ice cream later. We all do it- and hormones are to blame. I think estrogen is seriously the root of all craziness, and now that Im taking EXTRA estrogen I feel like I have suddenly turned into this huge ball of crazy with crazy sprinkles on top.

Part of the problem is that Im still on medical leave- which ends Next Tuesday THANK THE LORD! So sitting at home all day 1. is boring as hell 2. leaves me with nothing to do but think. and 3. doesnt challenge my brain at all so I seriously feel lately as if I have Alzheimer the way I forget things.

I am definitely one of those people who should be kept busy for the sanity of others. When Im bored or dont have sufficent things to keep my mind occupied I tend to Overthink EVERYTHING (this is my worst crazy feature). My brain has this incredible ability to read MILES into ANYTHING- I have a random dream- now Im wondering if its a sign and it means I should change things. I watch a sad movie- now Im wondering if I need to rethink how I go about things. Someone doesnt text me right back- did I say something wrong? Dinner burned- I am now a terrible cook who should never cook anything again.  It goes on, and on, and on, andonandonandonandonandon and on and on. SO.

The good news is- the extra estrogen ends soon- WOO! So I guess in the mean time Im gonna have to stay just slightly crazy.