Change

So, I've decided I'm ready for some change. Yesterday My mom and I had some girl time and went to barnes and noble, and when you first walked inside they had the, "bargain books" section. Well a particular book caught my eye called, "what happy women know", so for $4.98 I decided that maybe, considered my present misery, it had some advice maybe I could use. And I was right. The book is about positive psychology. Basically it goes like this: Instead of focusing on all of the bad things going on around you, take a moment to look at the positive things, and focus on that. Pretty simple philosophy, sorta one of those, "well DUH why didnt I think of that!". It also talks about lots of other things. Like perfectionism (which I am horribly guilty of) and why, instead of focusing on all of the things I have done right, do I focus on the few things I have done wrong. Why do we remember more of our mistakes than our successes. It also talks about appearances. According to this book 1 in 200,000 women are the body shape of Tyra Banks, so why is she the standard of what women should look  like, when  less than 6 in a million people actually look like her? It pointed out that as women, we often times look at those just a little bit more tendencies we have and judge ourselves as "have nots" instead of "haves". I know I do this to myself all the time. Growing up as a kid I never had new clothes or new shoes, and pretty much was always 5 years behind any style trend (because 5 years was usually about how long it took for me to get things as hand me downs). I'm not bitter about my youth, in fact I think growing up on the short side of things makes me appreciate what I have all the more. But still it definitely created a mind set in my head now that I am older of always wanting to be in-style and look "trendy", despite the fact that my frugal-ness  cringes at the thought of paying for it. 
So... as I continue to read more in this book I've decided to take up a number of its suggestions. 1. I'm going to take a "beauty walk" or a "beauty run" as often as possible (the book recommends 6 times a day, but I dont have that much free time) where the sole purpose is to look at something beautiful, and then describe what makes it beautiful. -- Today's object- the green tree's outside my apartment. They're older green oaks and  sweet gums and their leaves are a brilliant bright green accented by the subtle brown trunks underneath their canopy and they sway very gracefully in the breeze. 2. I plan on practicing the principal of Kaizen- or basically little by little. Instead of setting end all goals for myself. Im going to set smaller more easily attainable goals. Instead of saying I want to be a better runner. I'm going to say today I will run .1 more miles than I did yesterday.  So thats my plan. And I am defineitly going to finish reading this book. Maybe this was Gods way of pointing me in the right direction!

Stuck

I haven't felt like this in years, and Im miserable. I spent the whole day today on the couch. It was a totally gorgeous beautiful day... but I didn't even want to leave the house because every 10 minutes I felt like I wanted to cry. I hate it. I know its the drugs. I'm well aware. But despite knowing that I still can't force myself to change it. I can't hike up the big girl pants and get on with life. Im just stuck. I never used to be this way. I mean I had my rough moments, but for the most part I've always had a pretty good outlook on everything. After all attitude is 90% of everything that happens to you. And I know that. And yet I still want to cry every 10 minutes. I feel miserable. I feel depressed. I feel like I hate my life. But then I have to remember that its these nasty drugs overshadowing everything. That this is not really what I feel. Its what the drugs make me feel. And then I get to the "why me" section of my day. And I go through all of that drama. And I know all of the answers but the lovely chemicals in my body still force me to go there. I just want to be un-stuck. I want to get out of this rut. I want to pull myself up by the belt loops and yell "GET OVER IT", I want to break free of all this crap and be myself again... and yet. Here I am. Sitting on the couch crying again.

Make the pain go away

Im so tired of being in pain all the time. And right now I just can't handle it anymore. For the past 6 months Ive been in daily physical pain. Some days are worse than others, And some days I have almost no pain. But its always there at least a little. Right now my teeth, especially the one that needs the root canal is just killing me.I honestly can't remember the last time I had a day with no pain, either from the tumor or from the tooth.  Im so sick of pain. "Pain is weakness leaving the body"..? Bull shit. Pain is a daily reminder to me that one of the things Ive always wanted (to have kids and a family) may never actually be a reality. Its a daily reminder that I'm flawed, that my body isn't the same as everyone else's and that in fact I'm "damaged goods". I hate it. I hate the pain so much and I try so hard to hide it, but right now its just too much for me to handle. I wish I was a little kid again and could go curl up next to my mom and have her bring me some, "magic cure" to make all this pain go away. I know I'm just having one of my moments, but right now I really just don't want to hurt anymore. I want to feel good and happy and healthy. I want to feel like ME again.

It rains, it pours, and then it hails.

So I have been handling everything fairly in stride. Just taking things as they come, one by one... remember yesterday when I said I hadn't had my freak out moment yet..... well, that moment finally rolled around this afternoon. Let me back up by telling you that this morning I woke up with every intention to have a totally productive day, and started my day by picking up my uniform, and then going to wash my car. Then my battery died. Then the guy that jumps my car tells me the battery is dead and needs to be replaced. So $105.96 later, I have a new battery, but spent about 3 hours taking care of it.
I am calling TRUCE with the universe! NO MORE! I GIVE UP! UNCLE! WHATEVER YOU WANT! Just quit sending bad shit my way! As my twin said today I, "need a vacation from life". So true. SO TRUE! So to recap 2011 so far: car got hit by uninsured driver. Car got hit by softball size hail. Battery dies.  Tumor complications. Need a root canal. Computer crashed..... blah. I don't even want to joke and say, "whats next" because I am SERIOUSLY afraid there might BE a something next! NO MORE!
I really am a believer in signs, and all of this just makes me wonder if this is some sort of sign that God and the universe is trying to send me that I'm just not picking up on. I mean they definitely got my attention, I'm just not sure what they are trying to tell me.

When it rains... it pours.

So today I went to the dentist. After only being able to eat 3 oatmeal cookies yesterday I figured Maaayyybbbeee the tooth pain was serious enough that I could fork out the money to have it looked at. I figured cavity, chip, loose filling, blah, blah, blah. So today I go in, they take the x-ray, granted this is the same dentist Ive been going to since the 2nd grade, and then I wait.. and wait... and wait.. and finally they come back and tell me that they want me to go see this OTHER dentist down the road.. so I do. So he does more x-rays, and then does the "percussion" test (where they knock against your sore tooth with a metal pick.... and of course it hurts! DUH!)  and then they put cold stuff on it, which hurt even more.... and then he told me he was "pretty sure" I needed a root canal. The part that hurt the worst though was hearing how much it would cost me ( $953 for the root canal part, and another $300 for the crown). UGGHH. So... dentist says, "pretty sure".... I saw the x-ray.. there was no decay or any spots or cracks to indicate that the tooth was damaged or rotting.. and my gum around the tooth is also pretty sore. Now let me preface this with: I went through a similar thing 2 years ago, tooth hurt, same type of thing, blah, blah, blah blah, they say root canal.. I decide to wait, a week later I get bronchitis and get treated with antibiotics and what do ya know! Tooth ache went away!!!  SO. Needless to say they agreed to try antibiotics first and I took the first dose tonight, and already I think it feels better! So FINGERS CROSSED!

Now... with all that being said and out of the way, I would just like to say: I feel like I've had enough this year. This morning, after having an ironic laugh that something ELSE could be going wrong, I really just felt like yelling out to the universe, " ENOUGH ALREADY!". So far this year: Computer crashed- had to buy a new one, got hit by an uninsured driver- after I got that fixed I got hit by softball size hail, tumor problems out the ying-yang, some nice family stressors here and there, now the whole tooth thing, and there has also been lots of little things here and there to just add to it all. Its not even May, and I feel worn out!  However, I will also say, that I think I am handling this all very well. I haven't freaked out (yet), and I've been managing all my  other problems fairly well. And I must give credit where credit is due and thank my incredibly wonderful, incredibly supportive, positive, handsome, charming, funny boyfriend Matt. Despite everything that has happened, Matt has been there for me and suffered through all my craziness with the best attitude and optimism, I consider myself VERY fortunate to have someone who will put up with my pain-in-the-ass-self. :-)

A HUGE accomplishment!

I am SOOOO happy to tell the blogging world about my HUGE accomplishment today! I RAN 4 MILES! AND I RAN IT ALL! Minus the part where I had to wade through about 3 inches of water, which I had to walk through or I would have busted my face.. but this is such a big deal to me!!! Because of the tumor and all the "complications", I've had I haven't been able to work out in such a long time! And today, during a break between thunderstorms, I was able to get out and Just do it! And I did! Overall it felt great and I wanted to go further than my 4 mile loop (2 miles out, 2 back) but the ominous storm clouds, and some common sense, told me I should quit while I was ahead! Granted I didn't feel as strong as I have in the past when running, but I still did it. The last time I tried to go run, which I wrote about previously, I ran 1/4 of a mile and then had to walk the rest because I was just so exhausted and weak! BUT NOT TODAY! WOOO! I still need to do some push-ups today. Unfortunately sit ups still make me sick. Like physically, throw up sick. Last PT test I took I did 78 sit ups in 2 minutes, and threw up for 3 days afterward. No fun. I really want to get in good shape again so that Matt and I can start working out together! He's SOOOO fit! Like CRAZY fit. Recently he lost a bunch of weight (like close to 50lbs I think) and he raised his overall PT score to 299/3000 (USMC score) which is like AMAZINGLY good!  I want to get in better shape and get faster at running so that we can work out together and that I wont feel like I'm constantly slowing him down. Even though he never complains about how slow I am. :-) So anyways! This was a huge deal for me! And I am going to relish in the moment! PS I did the whole 4 miles in 45 minutes and my first 2 miles I ran in 18. Not too shabby!

What a Monday!

So Fayetteville is flooding. Right now the parking lot of my apartment has about 3 feet of standing water, with a nice current. And lucky for us the rain isn't supposed to stop anytime soon. To top things off, I think I cracked a tooth, because all of a sudden there is one that SERIOUSLY hurts, and nothing seems to be helping. And to top THAT off, I started having "complications" again last night. Oh joy. I'm not nearly as upset as I was last time. I think at this point I'm just really frustrated that I can't seem to be normal! Why can't I be a normal 24 year old and respond to medication the way I am supposed to, and for that matter NOT have a tumor commonly found in 50 year old women, and why can't I NOT have continual "complications" like a normal person!  So frustrating. I will admit that last night I had a small freak out moment, but more so over the "life" aspect of things. Like if I have to have emergency surgery and can't take and pass a PT test, and can't commission, where will I work and how will I pay my bills and pay for surgery since my Insurance will have dropped and those sort of things... But Today I have decided that God has a plan. And that I am going to have faith,  and trust that this whole thing is all going to work itself out! But still, I would much rather I were more normal. I'm tired of always having something wrong with me.. and I think you all are tired of hearing about it.

anemic

Got my blood work done today and GREAT NEWS! IM ANEMIC! *total sarcasm* so my labs actually looked pretty good, and the one thing I was really concerned about were Kidney or Liver complications from some of the drugs I am on, but those actually looked GREAT! The only problem is my hemaglobin and hematicrit were low. Which means a few things. 1. it explains why Ive been feeling like crap here lately. 2. it means that last week when I started having, "complications" I was bleeding a lot more than we realized, and 3. my body isn't recovering very easy.  So.. Ya. Just add that to my list of dislikes related to Ted. Good news is I haven't had much pain lately so that is a VERY good thing! Just thought I would share this wonderful little tid bit. What sucks even more is that its going to take me even longer to be able to start working out again.. o'well.. positive thoughts... positive thouoghts!

The always changing reaction...

I'm pretty open about Ted the tumor. Or at least I've been trying to be more open about it. There are still things I don't want to talk about, but I'm getting better. Its strange though how other people react to it. Some people, usually people Im working with, who Im not really close to, will be inquisitive and be like, "Damn, that sucks"-- my sentiments exactly! But it seems like people who really know me avoid the subject like the plague! One person actually started using it as like their own personally pitty party.. but for THEM not me...(which I find humorous).  At one point this person, extremely drunk at a bar, even lifter my shirt up, exposing my abdomen and yelled, "I WANT TO SEE THE TUMOR!!!" Ya. Classy. But the response I get most often are the people who try to be optimistic. And I appreciate the optimism... I really do. I mean, hell, I try to be (for the most part) optimistic about things... but sometimes its just like.. damn.. can't we just embrace the suck for a moment...? The response I hear most often after telling people about the tumor and all its possible negative outcomes is, "Well..... (thoughtful pause)...... there's always adoption". Now don't get me wrong, adoption is a beautiful thing, and one day I do hope to be able to adopt a child, which I think is an incredible gift and  total blessing to a family... However. Adopting a child will never be having a child, and having a child will never be adopting a child. Does that make sense at all? Those are two equally wonderful, beautiful, amazing blessings.... but they are different.  And generally when people say this to me, I just sigh and say "your right, there is always adoption".  Because if you tell them its not the same, they'll argue with you... its not the same.. it would be like someone facing amputation being told, "there's always prosthetic". I do appreciate their optimism and the fact that they are just trying to inspire in me a little hope. But sometimes the reaction that fits best is simply... "that sucks". I'm an absolute believer that everything happens for a reason, and that God has a plan. And I know he has something up his sleeves... so for now its wait and see. But for any of you who may be reading this just remember: sometimes when someone has a really shitty experience, or a really shitty diagnosis, or tells you something terrible happened. Sometimes you dont need to have a reaction... sometimes "that sucks, I'm so sorry" is the best reaction.

Motivation

I need more motivation! Pre-Ted I was doing so well with working out regularly, improving my run times, I was doing GREAT! Then there was Ted. Gee thanks Ted. You ruin EVERYTHING! After my last round of additional hormones I'm so exhausted that even making myself dinner (and we're talking Microwave lean cuisine) is too much work. I'm still exhausted, and its been a week since my last additional dose! While taking the extra pills I made myself go out for some exercise...Pre-ted being problematic I was running 3-5 miles 3-4 times per week. Last week I went outside and could barely complete a mile. It wasn't that my muscles were tired, or that I couldn't catch my breath, it was that my entire body just was DRAINED. I know part of that is due to the anemia- a wonderful result of "complications"... but MAN! Im 24 (will be soon)! I shouldn't be like this! While I was out running I saw a girl flying past me running, and I just kept wondering, why is it so easy for her, and so hard for me? And the only answer I could come up with is, that she just kept going, where as I stopped. So my new goal is to try to get back into shape, despite whatever Ted tries to throw at me! Now I just need to find some serious motivation!!! any thoughts?

Its so NOT like Tv.

So recently I've gotten a lot of crap from family for writing and being open about my tumor. Specifically they are worried that someone might see it and use it against me later as a means of disqualifying me for a job or insurance or something like that. And I have considered their concerns, but I stand by my response, that I'm not going to be ashamed of it. It sucks bad enough without having to hide it like a dirty secret. Today I was watching Army Wives (episode 7, and yes its my guilty pleasure). Say what you want about it, and the sometimes less then Emmy acting but it does bring light to some issues, however off the mark they may be. For example, in episode 7 Claudia-Joy has been having some pain and goes to see her doctor. At the end of the episode, her boss walks into the office to find her crying, and then the dramatic reveal, "I had some pain, and the Doctors found a mass".

I gotta say, at least for me.. thats totally NOT how it went (granted everyone is different). For me, I had pain-- woke up 4th of July morning, HUNGOVER like you would not believe...lol. I had spent a great weekend with some of my greatest friends, my twin Kelsey, and our two buddies Harris and Ski.  But when I woke up that morning, my stomach hurt like I had pulled a muscle, but worse. So I ignored it, not every little ache and pain needs attention. As we were driving back the following day (hung over yet again) we decided to stop by this little place called dog patch USA (a seriously creepy abandoned amusement park here in Ar-- straight scooby doo style!) We decided to look around, and when we were heading back to the cars I rolled back under the fence and when I sat up.. BAM! SEEERRRRIIOOUUUSSS pain. I thought I had given myself an inguinal hernia!

3 days later I sat in the Doctors office my mom works for and she did an ultra-sound (they figured I had ruptured an ovarian cyst). Sure enough, there sat the bulge of tissue from my ovary where the cyst had ruptured, and a good bit of fluid in my abdominal cavity... and then we saw Ted. My mom didn't even have to say anything, I could read the look on her face and know she found something that was definitely not normal. So I asked her what she found, and she said "well, it looks like a mass, definitely not a cyst, but we'll have to have one of the Doc's look at it". And my response....... "Ok." I didnt even feel anything. It was about the same reaction as if someone had just told me that the capital of California was Sacramento. "Ok.. Thanks". In fact I went through the whole of July and August just bee-boppin along. Went on active duty for a while, working for the Army, came home, went back to school... and then I had my follow up.

So there I sat in the doctors office, with him looking at the scan, and he tells me "Ok, so you might not be able to have kids, this thing could rupture at any moment and you could bleed out, and at any point you could develop more, the one you have could grow (cutting off blood supplies and perfusion to my kidneys) or you could create so much scar tissue that even surgery isnt an option, oh and by the way if you ever would like to have children *if you can * you've got less than 5 years before your probably gonna need to have a hysterectomy". And again.. my response was, "well thanks Doc, appreciate you seeing me on short notice!" and I left.
It wasn't until 3 weeks later that all that sunk in and I collapsed in the shower crying. And since then its been a continual pendulum of "Im ok with things" "Im not ok with things". Just depends on the day I guess. Sort of anti-climactic right? I think it would have been MUCH better if I had the cool theme music Claudia-Joy got! I mean come on! Who doesn't want the theme music when they get told dramatic news like that! Especially at my age! ;-)

So today I'm actually doing ok with things, I try not to let my life focus around it, although it seems like lately Ted has been popping his ugly little head into EVERYTHING. But I'm trying to hold it together. But I guess the lesson in all of this is: don't always believe what you see on tv!
 
The weekend I found out about Ted.

Being Far Away

So I guess the title means more than just the literal fact that Matt and I are doing the long distance thing. Lately Ive just felt so disconnected and discontent with just about every aspect of my life. I'm hating school currently (and Yes, for all you optimists there are less than 30 days left), home life has been sorta, "rough" lately, and Army, well.. I'm hardly ever there before of school, but since Im just frustrated in general it gets lumped in, and therefore Im frustrated with it too. Then theres the tumor, which is just sorta depressing, and all in all, I just feel Disconnected. I keep looking back to Spring Break, and the time I spent with Matt in California and wishing I could go back to that (in a more permanent fashion)... but then the "realistic Helen" pops in and reminds me that this is all just a phase. I know God has lead me down this path, and brought Matt and I together, however far apart we may be, and I need to have faith, persevere and stay the course. WAY easier said than done. But I guess most things in life are that way. Mostly I think I just miss my optimism. I'm a firm believer that life is what you make of it, and that people are about as happy as they make up there minds to be (great quote from Honest Abe)  but lately that has just been impossible it seems. Today though, I was able to get some frustration out (admittedly it involved some screaming and throwing, and smashing a paint brush roller, but it made me feel better, so maybe shamefully it was therapeutic.)  So hopefully from here I can move on and continue on with life and be more positive.

Walter Reed

So I got a phone call yesterday from my Commander telling me I will be getting stationed at Walter Reed Army Medical Center, soon to be National Military Medical Center. Strangely enough I feel more stressed now knowing my duty station then I did before I knew (and I really wanted to know!) So I could definitely use some prayers for courage and reassurance. Matt will be deploying back to Afghanistan so by the time he gets home I should be eligible to PCS (change locations) if him and I decide that's the path we should take. I really want him to be successful, hes so incredible at what he does, so I'm really hoping we can find a happy medium for both of our careers. I'm working really hard on not stressing over parts of my life I have no control over (IE things with family, decisions others make, unforseen money problems etc.). Instead I'm trying to focus my energy on staying positive and taking care of my health issues. Ted does not seem to be cooperating here lately.
So lots of prayers that I can do the impossible:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.  The Courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Me giving a brief for Nursing a year ago... finally about to start my career.

Hormones galore

Today is day 2 of extra strength hormones. Oh Joy! To give you an idea of what its like here are just a few of the side effects. "headache, dizziness, lethargy, intolerance to contact lenses, MI, thromboembolism, edema, hypertension, nausea, weight changes, anorexia, increased apetite, jaundice, vomiting, amenorhea, dysmenorrhea, testicular atrophy, oily skin, acne, pigmentation, urticaria, hyperglycemia, hypercalcemia, sodium and water retention, and leg cramps" just to name a few. I'm pretty miserable. The anorexia, nausea and headache are what I seem to be noticing most right now. Oh and lethargy. OH BOY LETHARGY! I have no appetite at all, but if I don't eat I feel HORRIBLY nauseous. I'm trying to truck through though. I made myself get out and run today. I ran a whole 3/4 of a mile and walked the other 1 1/4 miles. YAAA FOR ME! I was running around 4-6 miles every other day and now I can barely get the energy to put my lean cuisine in the microwave. If you could eat them still frozen I would. This also does not take into account the wonderful side effect of being erratically emotional, but we won't go there. Anyways, time for bed... I'm exhausted.

Its the little things

 Therapy Garden...

 My twin and I...
So yesterdays problems resulted in me going back to talk with the counselor... and again, she was very helpful. Seems like when one thing goes wrong they all go wrong, and the complications I had yesterday just left me feeling lifeless. But talking to her helped. And my new mantra, as opposed to "just keep going", is now "just keep swimming"... the Dorey song from finding Nemo. According to my therapist, "just keep going" sounds negative and daunting... but who can resists smiling when a little blue fish is singing to you right!? We talked about everything that has been going on, including the complications, and that 1. Accept the things I can't change (IE other peoples problems, my tumor-which isn't going anywhere anytime soon) and 2. Do something for me. Its been a LONG time since I've done something for me... and I LOVE gardening. Absolutely LOVE IT! When I was living with my parents years ago, I planted this HUGE garden, vegetables, flowers, fruits, you name it.. but alas thats just one more thing Nursing school stole from me.  But NOT anymore! Yesterday I went and bought some flowers from walmart, along with a strawberry plant to put out on my balcony. I filled a planter with Dianthus, stock, and salvia (red white and blue) and its gorgeous. Simply getting my hands dirty made me feel better. I'll put up pictures. This morning was again disappointing as there were more "complications", so following doctors instructions, I took a pregnancy test (required before you start extra estrogen), which was negative, and I started taking my extra dose of hormones. Kind of going along with all of this, I've started to notice some life dynamics... since I got diagnosed with the tumor there have been very few people who have actually been there for me on a regular basis. One is my Twin Kelsey (not really my twin, shes my best friend though, we just look a lot alike so we call ourselves twins) and .... well.. Thats really it. All the other people in my life sorta... tip toe around the issue. They check in from time to time here and there, but they check back out shortly there after... Kelsey is the only one who reliably asks, "So how are you today"..  it doesn't even have to be about my tumor! And Actually I prefer that it not always be about Ted, as it is so named. I dont want my life to be engulfed by this huge mass in my uterus.. so simply asking me about my day is plenty! So the thing I've noticed most, is how a lot of the people in my life, people I would consider mentors, when I needed them the most, when I was having a rough week because of a hard diagnosis, or when things were getting to be too much to handle, they just couldn't step up to the plate. And on the flip side of that, it amazes me some of the people who have stepped up to the plate at those times. People I NEVER would have expected... and its not even that they did anything huge. They didn't give me prophetic advice, or teach me some inspiring new life lesson.. all they did was little things. Like smile at me, like one of our Sgt's did this morning, and tell me he was glad to see me. Regardless of whether it was true, it cheered me up. Or like one of my other staff members who helped me deal with a problem. She didn't ask for gory details, she didn't gripe, or make me feel like I was being a huge inconvenience, she just said "Ok, we can take care of this". Sometimes, its those little things that make such a HUGE difference. After realizing all of this I definitely think I am going to try to change how I do things day to day. lately I've been too consumed in my own problems to even just smile at people as they walk by. So its time to return the favor, and tell someone else "good to see you".

Another dissappointment

Well, leave it to a Monday to leave me more despondent and disappointed then I was before. Besides all the other sources of stress I've had, today just sorta put the cherry on top. I was "complication" free for a whole 2 months.... And today ended my longest run at having no problems. I guess it helps, to explain that, the tumor that I have is a uterine tumor, and it is hormone sensitive.. certain hormones make it grow, and others make it not grow... the ones that make it not grow are estrogen and progesteron (not progesterine)... so you guessed it, I get to live life with JOYOUS amounts of hormones, in fact on top of the normal hormones a female produces I am now taking one of the maximum doses of hormones you can take (essentially high dose birthcontrol) and with it comes a nice dose of supplemental estridol- which I haven't had to take, until Today. Since my tumor is a myeolyoma, that means its in the muscle part of the utereus (as opposed to being in the interior lining, or exterior lining). Unfortunately, mine has gotten so big that now it is pushing through the interior lining (endometrium) and causing scarring and bleeding (sorry for the details). The point of the hormones is to help prevent growth, thereby reducing scaring, and to help prevent bleeding (since hormones are a form of coagulant in a way)... so essentially what it comes down to, is any bleeding =bad. Very bad. Spotting means I'm creating scar tissue, which means that my chances of having kids are shrinking...
And with all this.... I just feel blank. I feel like my head has been so overloaded with stress and frustration and disappointment that now.... I just want to cry. And I am.The extra dose of estrogen I'm about to take isn't going to help things either... that will just make me more hormonal and more upset.. and over all, all I can say is this really sucks. 

When will I be normal?

When exactly does, "normal life" start? Man that would be nice. For the last 3 years all I have known is studying, working my butt off and sacrificing the things I want because I can't afford it or don't have time for it. I'm tired of living like this. And lately with all the stress I've had, I'm just sort of ready to be what people call NORMAL! I'm not normal, and I accept that. Having a tumor at 23 definitely is NOT normal. But I can't change that fact, and its not the right time to have it taken out yet, so for now I just have to deal with that. But I'm ready for other parts of my life to be normal. I'm ready to have normal weekends, to have normal weeks for that matter. To work normal hours, or at least only be doing one thing full time.. not multiple things! My attitude lately has just sucked, I think mostly because I'm just tired of everything. Between school and Army and a bunch of other things I just feel..... I don't even know... defeated I guess is the best word I have for it. And realistically I shouldn't feel this way... I mean, I'm getting good grades (knock on wood), I'm completing extra clinicals, managing my finances, graduating Cum Laude, Commissioing, all the things I wanted to do, I AM doing.. and yet I feel like I'm just failing miserably at life.
I think in my head I have this vision of "Normal"... having the "great" job (for me thats in a busy ER) working 3 12's a week.. having the rest of the time off. Going to the beach, drawing as my hobby, being the great wife, having the great kids, with the great husband. Having adventures in our free time... Going places, doing things... just experiencing life and enjoying all of the gifts God has given us on Earth.
And right now I feel like someone tied 50 lb weights to my legs and tossed me off a bridge into a huge lake and I'm SO close to shore, but now I'm wearing out and my heads starting to slip under the water... THATS how I feel.
Blah. I started repeating a mantra here lately when I feel like this. "You can do this. Your almost done. Just keep going. Just keep going"... So for now I guess all I can do is just keep going...

Seeing the light

I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. At least  I'm hoping its light and not some huge oncoming train about to run me down. Lately I've had this huge question mark above my head as I try to figure out what it is I really want. I think I know what I want, and then suddenly I'm not so sure. Having the tumor has definitely changed things. Things I thought I would put off for a few years are now sharply brought into reality. Decisions I thought I had a while before having to make now need to be considered pretty quick. The exact words were, "If you want kids, 5 years max".... and anytime you tell that to another person they'll be so quick to jump up and say, "OH Ya know the Doctors told me the same thing! And now look Ive got 5 kids!"... Problem is I've seen the research. I've seen the statistics... assuming the doctors "might" be wrong is not a good assumption to make.
The question I guess becomes, what do you do when time runs out? Do you just continue on as normal and assume the doctor is wrong... that just doesn't seem very smart to me. I guess for now my decision has become wait for the time being. Wait until some of the other more pressing details (like Graduating and passing the NCLEX) are dealt with and THEN find a solution.
And I must say, Matt has been absolutely amazing in putting up with me through all this. Through the ups and downs and depressions and random crying he has been so understanding and has not complained once (then again he NEVER complains about anything).  I admire him so much for his ability to have a faithful attitude despite everything he's been through. Definitely one of the strongest people I know, and I'm so thankful to have him around. <3 
I guess for now I need to be satisfied with simply seeing the light at the end of the tunnel...assuming its not a train.

Always on defense...

I get so tired of constantly having to defend myself. I do realize that I am young, and I realize that in many, MANY, ways I am naive and have a lot to learn. But I also know that I'm smart, I catch on quick, and the standard I hold for myself is that my performance always be above average. But I'm so tired of always having to defend myself. And it seems like, especially, these last two years being in nursing school, that I'm always coming up against someone whose trying to put me down. I'm so sick of it. I'm sick of fighting and I'm sick of always having to come up with a response to someones exaggerated statements about me. I get it: I'm opinionated, and therefore by putting myself out there I make myself a target to all those mean people who want to pick someone out of the crowd and knock them down. But it gets so old sometimes. Most recently, I heard I was "a know it all, and cocky". Excuse me for answering the questions YOU asked, and for actually knowing the answers. And on top of that why does me being confident make me cocky. So because I feel like I'm at least semi- knowledgeable (and let me tell you I'll be the first to admit I don't know shit from shamrocks!)   that somehow turns into me being a know it all...? I'm confused.  Ugg... and then theres the truth of the matter, which is that I am WAYYY too thin skinned for my own good, and I let what other people say, especially the people who don't matter, get to me. But like my Momma would say, "Every insult has a hint of  truth"... So I guess the hint of truth in this is that I should keep my mouth shut a little more often... Lets just hope all this negativity ends soon. For once I'd like to meet someone who has a little faith in me, instead of people who just don't like what I have to say...

From the start...

So here it is down and dirty, I did the thing I swore I wouldn't do and I started a "personal" blog. I guess legitimately I do have some things to talk about, at least in my own head. And this seems easier to me than talking to myself in the bathroom mirror. Which does happen on occasion. So I guess this is it in a nut shell-

I'm getting ready to graduate college, have an amazing job as a nurse in the Army all lined up, still waiting on my duty station though. But o'well, they'll tell me when they're good and ready. I have an awesome boyfriend, one I actually see potential with, but we both want to take things appropriately slow, and be responsible and logical about our Relationship. He's in the Marines and I'm in the Army, so we are definitely facing a challenge. I'm thinking about medical school, planning on taking the MCAT around July, just to see how I do.. and other than that life is going fairly well.
Oh, except that one thing. Ya. THAT thing. I have a tumor. A Leomyoma, otherwise known as a uterine fibroid. Pretty common in the general public, most women get them in their 40's-50's. However, seeing them in a young 24 year old... pretty rate. And seeing one that is as big as mine is, even rarer. My tumor, lovingly named Ted, by my best friend Kelsey and I, is about the size of clementine orange. Pretty good size, all things considered.
As of right now, I have chosen not to have the surgery I need, and rather I'm just gonna suck up all the pain and IBS and other shinangians that Ted has been causing. That way I can get my commission on schedule, and get to my unit, and THEN deal with all of the unknowns of surgery.

So there. That is the update to get this whole shin dig started.