Because I need to vent...

Monday, March 5, 2012

How unusual...

Well its been a little while since Ive posted- so I figured I would write a little update. Currently I am living in Maryland- working at Walter Reed- and for the most part things are good. I complain a lot- but really- Ive been very blessed. My final assignment was released last week. Ill be going to 5C- a general medical surgical floor. Its not Wounded Warrior- which is what I want- but everyone has to start somewhere and I'll be working with some great people! Im just hoping that in due time Ill get my chance to work downstairs, which has been my dream all a long. So for now Im praying that God shows me his plan and helps me take everything in stride. Matt is still deployed- him being gone has really made me realize what a huge part of my life he is- and how truly blessed I am to have him. I'll tell anyone who will listen about how great he is and how much he has done for me. Im one lucky lady!

As for former Ted the Tumor- and then the baby Teds- things have been... unusual lately. Since I had surgery in August I have been almost completely pain free. Minus the usual discomfort of having surgery and recovering- or when I would exercise too hard- things have been good. But lately things have been changing. Ive started to notice that my stomach has started to "pooch" again- not like before- this time a lot lower in my abdomen. At least I dont look pregnant! And some of the pain has returned. Nothing like it was before. THANK THE LORD- but randomly throughout the day Ill catch myself holding my stomach the way I used to or splinting. Makes me nervous. The last ultrasound I had in December showed that I had more tumors growing- and honestly I should probably go in to have things "checked out"..... but honestly- Im sort of enjoying blissful ignorance. You ever just have that feeling that something is wrong- or is going to go wrong? Ive had that feeling ever since surgery. It is what it is. Most people tell me I'm just paranoid- but I sort of have this crazy acceptance about the whole thing. Plus another reason for not wanting to go get "checked out" is that Im not a huge fan of the doctor I saw last. Just goes to show you- having a good provider really does make a HUGE difference in treatment. Well, thats all for now- :-) heres to my continual blissful ignorance!

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Ted had babies.

Well- its been a while and I suppose some people may want an update... So here it goes.
               Ted the tumor had babies.
Yup- you heard it right. So when I went to the Doc in Texas they were concerned because the tech that did my ultrasound thought she saw a large mass. In reality what she was seeing was my retroverted uterus (that means that my uterus turns the wrong way) and  it was obscuring her view- making it look like a tumor. SO- after waiting a week nervously waiting to find out if I had another large tumor I go to the Doc and get the "Good news".
               "There are no Large Masses! Great news! Oh by the way- these other things happen to be lots of smaller tumors 
                           that will one day grow into big tumors. But YAAA NO BIG TUMORS!" So there it is. Ted had babies. The good news truly is that they are still small- small means that all of the medication Im taking is still working. My only complaint right now with the medication is the emotional nutcase that it makes me at times.But hopefully that will go away. So for now Im continuing to take lots of medication and hope for the best. I see my new Doctor here in Maryland on Monday- so lets hope he/she will have good things to tell me.

Monday, December 12, 2011

facing the facts

Well- we are in the 48 hour countdown to finding out whether or not I have another tumor. And throughout all of this I keep seeing a recurring lesson, "accept the things you cannot change". I just wish it were an easier lesson to learn and actually hold onto. I go in on Wednesday for the final verdict and the part that makes it extra suck is 1. I wont be able to talk to Matt, either to tell him good news, or for us to be there for each other for the bad news. and 2. the next day is our 1 year anniversary. I am so incredibly blessed to have him in my life and I honestly can't imagine things without him. But it will definitely put a damper on things if I find out I have another tumor. Time to face the music- how does that prayer go?

                God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Well Shit.

So today was my post-surgical follow up down here in Texas.Just a rough update without giving to many gory details, but  recently I've been having more "complications". So today was the day that I went in for my ultra-sound. wasn't super impressed, but thats probably because my Mom is so awesome at ultrasound that I am spoiled by having someone who is a total expert in the area... BUT long story short, the lady was very concerned about not letting me see the screen as she was taking images- and usually that only means one thing. Bad news. To top it off as I was leaving I was able to glance over at the screen, and low and behold there it was... and Im pretty sure it was another tumor.
Now- rationally- I can't be certain- but Im like 65-35 on this that I know what I saw. And given that Ive been having a lot of "complications" lately.. it would make sense. I dont actually get to talk to the Doctor until next wednesday- so it will be the waiting game again.

Mother fucker. (excuse my the language)- but to be honest- Im tired of this shit.. Im 24 years old- and holy shit if this ends up being tumor #2.... well then good God, Im flabbergasted.
I asked my friend Stephen what I should do about it, and he gave me some pretty sound advice. I told him I was tired of fighting this fight and he says " I was tired of fighting my fight in Iraq too- but you keep doing it. Because at the end of the day, giving up isn't an option. So you fight. Because its what you have to do." So here I sit now... trying not to focus on it. Definitely good advice from another friend there- and I wait till Next Wednesday the 14th to find out whether Im going to be putting on the boxing gloves again for round 2.
Here's praying for good news, but honestly- Im expecting the worst.

P.s guess this means I should be thinking up new names for this possible new tumor...any suggestions?

Sunday, December 4, 2011

2011- what a year...

This last year was a tough one. It seems like every corner I turned there was another challenge ahead of me. Between my car being hit my an uninsured driver, being in one of the worst hail storms in Arkansas that almost totaled my car ( and thanks to faulty repairs now my car floods when it rains) my computer crashed, I found out about my tumor, had my tumor rupture, had surgery, and NOW Im waiting to find out if everything is healing ok, only to find out this morning that my Grandmother passed away.

Wilda Rae Henry was a pretty awesome lady. Always full of practical advice- she called things like she saw it and had an incredible love for sports. She worked her way up through the postal system and became a post master in california in the 70's- not an easy feat for a woman at that time. She raised 2 awesome kids and was an extremely loving, generous woman. She passed away this morning after struggling with COPD at 87.

In hindsight of everything- its sort of a relief. No longer does she have to struggle to breath and I know that this morning she was greeted in heaven by family and my Grandpa John who left us in the 90's.

Looking at all this reminds me that I have so much to be thankful for. This past year has also brought some absolute blessings. Matt was brought into my life, and honestly I am so thankful to have someone so supportive and loving. I graduate with my Bachelors degree in Nursing, I commissioned into the Army- and I was fortunate enough that, even though I had the tumor, I made a full(ish) recovery.
2011 has been a hell of a year- both good and bad. But you can't have the ups without the downs, so heres to living life, loving and laughing, and appreciating everything you have.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

3 months and counting...

Well- its been a while since Ive posted on here, so I figured I should probably post an update. Things have been going fairly well. Im down in San Antonio finishing up some Army training before I head to Washington DC.
Today Was offically 3 months since surgery and things have been going pretty good. Although as things have gone along I still seem to have more and more small complications. After surgery they told me occasionally I may have contractions as my uterus heals- and boy were they right! Sitting in class the other day it happened and let me tell you, thats a hard thing to cover up! I just excused myself and went outside- but good lord- Not a fun thing to have happen out of the blue like that.
I had my surgical follow up- which was INTERESTING to say the least. The specalist I was supposed to see had to go out of town unexpectedly... so I got to see the OTHER doctor... Ya.
That didnt go over so well. Not only was the guy about 40 years past retirement, he was only "vaguely familiar" with my condition... but then felt the need to question the medications I was on... the nurse even told me that I should see another doctor. Lol. You know its bad when the nurses are tipping you off. So now Im trying to figure out how to get an appointment with the Doctor I was SUPPOSED to see. Getting a Doctors appointment in the Army is like pulling teeth.
I'm still doing well with my weight- and honestly its incredible to me how much better I feel after the surgery. Not to mention how FLAT my stomach is now!!! Probably the greatest part of the whole thing.
But alas I am continually reminded of the "might not be able to have kids" thing. At the Doctors appointment the guy flat out said, "So your gonna get pregnant any day now right!?" ~Sigh~ No. No pregnancy for me.
I know I want kids, but I just feel so unready for that right now. And there are so many things I want to do, I honestly just dont know how to do it all. The problem is I want my cake and I want to eat it too... and I really just dont know how to do that.  O'well- heres to living another day- as blessed as I am and trusting that God will make it all work out!

Friday, October 14, 2011

24 going on 44

I feel so old. Chronologically I may be 24, but more often than not I feel more like 34 or 44. I blame it on the hormones on the fact that this last year has taken A LOT out of me, on the fact that Im only 2 months post major abdominal surgery, and the fact that we get up extremely early and are going, going, going, most of the day. Its not the end of the world- if I HAD to keep going- I could. But if theres an option- I'd rather just go to bed early.

People have this expectation that at 24 I should go out and get trashed every night- and I understand that for some people this time in their life may be the first opportunity they've had to be social and flirt and be wild and have, "fun". But for me- been there done that. Shamefully enough I've been drinking for almost 10 years. Ask people who know me from back in the day- I could keep up with the best of em. Ive done everything from chugging 40's to having a cigarette put out on my arm (not my smartest moment). Ive had my crazy party days- but honestly now- Im ok with it being a little more mellow- call it age- call it wisdom- call it "old woman syndrome" whatever-  Im ok not making an ass out of myself in public for the sake of a "good time". But I'll be glad to laugh at the rest of them as they do!