Moving forward

So, the last few weeks have been absolutely insane for me. So I need to do some catching up. I graduated and commissioned into the army. Which felt GREAT! I seriously felt like it has been such a long journey just finishing school you have no idea how thankful I am to be done. And then after all that craziness, in the midst of flooding, tornadoes and crazy lightening, I moved out of my apartment. I very weird feeling to be honest. My little apartment is where I have called home for over 2 years, and I've been through SO much at that apartment that moving out almost seemed.... surreal. In that little apartment alone, I went through all my Army training, got into nursing school, graduated nursing school, split up with my former fiance, and found out I have tumor... just SO many experiences that have happened in that apartment. Not all of them good, but still, they are experiences that make up my life, a lot of which has been extremely difficult to me. When I was sitting on the floor of the apartment waiting to take the final load of junk out to my car I honestly just felt relieved that I was going to be putting this chapter of my life behind me and starting on new and better things. It was almost like proof to me that I can do anything I put my mind to. I know thats strange, that simply moving out of an apartment could help reassure me of my self worth- but it did. It made me look back on everything Ive done and go "Damn... I did that!" and then it makes me look forward and wonder what Im going to do next.

Just like Gump's Momma Said.

So life is pretty much just like what Forest Gump's Momma said on the movie. "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what your gonna get". Also "stupid is as stupid does"... but thats a little off topic. So basically when looking at my life I feel like I constantly search for the best chocolate. Which one is gonna be fabulous with lots of rich creamy caramel and deliciousness nut filling.. and just when I find one that looks PERFECT and I feel relatively certain that I know exactly what Im gonna get, I take a bite of that chocolate only to realize I've just bitten into some disgusting strawberry creme filled grossness. And that is the analogy that I feel is most appropriate for my life right now. And thats basically how life goes for everyone I think, but more so for me. A perfect example is going in to the doctor thinking I had ruptured a small cyst and finding out I have a huge tumor. Or another example, having my car hit by an uninsured driver, only to fix it and get hit by HUGE softball size hail a month later. The examples go on and on. BUT. Like the old saying goes..."when Life gives you lemons, make lemonade" Or a better version I feel is "when life gives you lemons, say screw it, squeeze lemon in lifes eye and then use the lemons to bake a delicious pie which you wont share with life". lol. Now I have to go back up my apartment and get ready to move on sunday. Wish me luck.

Maybe I wasn't being paranoid....

So. One of the lovely side effects of Ted, is that I gain weight like the wind blows. I'm not exaggerating when I say that in a single night I gained 7.5 lbs. At first the doctors didnt believe me... So I kept a food and exercise journal for 2 weeks and then took it in to show them. With no change in calorie intake, always below 1500 a day, and with workouts every other day averaging 3 miles, I still managed to gain 14 lbs. BLAH. They even ran my body fat index and BMI to confirm and sure enough- Ted was making me a fatty. So the solution..... a drug called phentermine. Its pretty common in the world of weight loss, and since Ted/Hormones were making my body spin out of control, they figured that the phentermine would help balance everything out. And it did. I've lost all the weight I gained, plus a few extra vanity pounds, and things have been great. In fact this is my last month of having to take it, which is an extra good thing: which I explain below.
So phentermine has some pretty nasty side effects including: hyptertension, pulmonary hypertension, occular degeneration, parathesias, blood clots, tachycardia, dyspnea... Ya. If your not seeing a trend amongst those side effects basically in a nut shell phentermine is REALLY bad for your heart and lungs. And its something that Ive been kinda paranoid about. When I first started taking it I would have this feeling like I wasnt breathing enough and would constantly have to take huge breaths of air to get it to go away. Then I started having these little random bits of chest pain. But me being me, I have always just dissmissed it as me being paranoid. A few times I noticed my heart rate getting a little high. One time while standing in an OR watching an open heart surgery (not as exciting as it sounds) my heart rate, while simply standing there bored, was 108. Hmmmm not ok. And then one time I had a really high blood pressure, like 145/98- which I brushed off later as being the result of getting sick which i was at the time-- and my Doc agreed with me-- we've talked about my paranoia a few times, since he has similar concerns. But today sorta put the icing on the cake.
When I woke up this morning I decided I would take a full dose (I have been taking half doses for a while) so I did. Later this morning, around 11ish, I had to walk to the nursing building. Its slightly uphill but nothing crazy and then up a flight of stairs. When I got to the top I noticed I felt sorta shaky. So in my paranoid way I took my pulse. 245. not even kidding. My heart doesnt even go that fast after Ive ran 4 miles, let alone walked across campus! So. Maybe I'm not being paranoid. Maybe I actually need to look at that and go "HOLY SHIT THATS BAD!" Because it is. Just sitting here Im around 80- which is still high for me, since normally I'm low around 55-60. So thus.... no more phentermine for me. Ive only got about 2 more weeks that Im supposed to take for the doctors anyways... but Im just gonna cut it short. Its just not worth the risk.

Last moments as a cadet!

So here I sit before my commissioning. Ive got about 20 minutes before I need to start getting ready, and I decided maybe I should post some final thoughts before I transition into being a Lieutenant!
Thought 1: I'm really excited- I feel like this has been a ridiculously long journey that has changed my life completely and now I feel like I'm finally stepping off for the REAL journey! Sort of like having a REALLLY long ride to the airport before you leave for a big trip. I finally feel like I got to the airport, have checked in, and now the flight is getting ready to take off.
Thought 2: I really hope I don't screw up. Not only in my commissioning but in my career. Anyone who knows me, knows that I tend to sometimes speak my mind when maybe I should just keep my mouth shut. I really hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the ass later. CYA (cover your ass) is a good thing to remember, and sometimes I open my mouth before I really think about whats about to come out of it. Foot in mouth disease if you will.
Thought 3: I dont know crap about the Army. I know lots about nursing- and I still have a TON more to learn, but especially when it comes to the Army, I dont know crap! Like really, sometimes I still get confused on when to salute and  how things work- and here I am about to be an officer. I think part of it is that Im ditzy and just kinda dont pay attention when I should. But I really hope that as I go on I get more comfortable and confident about things. 
Thought 4: its incredible to me just how many people support me. Outside of my family and close close friends, I really didnt think that people really gave much thought to me commissioning or any of that. Just kinda one of those things thats there. But yesterday at my kinda-sorta-commissioning when I went up on stage and did my oath and receieved my unofficial first salute- I got a standing ovation. To me that was just amazing. I mean I honestly figure that people would be peeved that they had to stay longer to watch that, and people I didnt even know came up to shake my hand and congratulate me. Truly humbling.
Thought 5: I really hope I dont forget the words to my oath in about 2 hours.
Thought 6: I really wish Matt (my boyfriend) could be here. Currently hes training out in California for an upcoming deployment- and I know he would be here, in full dress blues, if he could be. I know what hes doing is important, and training Marines and sharing his knowledge with them so that they can be as safe and effective as possible when they deploy is WAY more important than my little ceremony. I am honestly so proud of everything he has done, and he has helped me in so many ways, I can't even thank him enough!
Though 7: The panty-hose I have to put on soon are HORRIBLY uncomfortable. I mean come on they come up to my boobs for goodness sake! I mean seriously, why. Thats all I have to say about that.
Thought 8: I am truly blessed to have such amazing wonderful people in my life, who have supported me, encouraged me, and thumped me in the forehead any time I needed to get back in line. I really hope that as my career goes on I continue to make them proud.

Stress.

WHY AM I STRESSED! I'm done with school... no more studying (except for RN Asses and NCLEX). Things are taken care of, Im caught up on things... so WHY AM I STRESSED! I guess its probably a combination of things. Matt's deployment keeps getting closer and closer, which makes me stress more and more about getting to see him. It will be his 4th deployment- 3rd to a combat zone- honestly just makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it.  There are a lot of changes going on in my family too- My brother, sister in law and niece are moving to Jacksonville FL. I'm moving to Washington DC... my other brother is buying a house.. my sister is living with my parents again... just a lot of changes. Money also stresses me out. Turns out Im going to have to fork out $1,000 for the hail damage on my car to be fixed. UGgg. I'm trying so hard to be good with what money I have left, and make sure I keep my budget as low as possible, but when you literally have NO money coming in, and your living on student loans- its very hard to feel, "in control" of your life.
I'm also slightly stressed about moving to DC by myself. I know I am a very capable person, and that I will make friends and adapt just fine... but my fear is that I will get there and the exact opposite will happen, and that I will be miserable. I'm already come up with some stratagies for how I'm going to adjust. I plan on finding a church right off the bat- looking into volunteering with some groups- maybe joining some clubs- who knows. It still just makes me worry. The other thing that makes me worry is the crime. I am VERY aware of my surroundings and it doesn't take much for me to feel uncomfortable or threatened. I am definitely going to need a house with an alarm system. I guess what I really need are prayers for peace, strength, and determination.

Dear Gunny

Dear Gunny-

                I’m not sure that you will ever “know” me.  Maybe you will remember me from those few moments of clarity you had, but I don’t think so.  I truly believe that one day- either here, or in heaven- God will grant me to the opportunity to see you again and tell you what a profound impact you and your family have had on my life.  For the last year I have thought about you daily, and prayed for you nightly. I’ve prayed that your wife and daughter would have peace, and that God’s will be done when it came to your recovery. I’m not so sure that physically surviving is always a blessing.

                From the moment I started work on the floor, everyone talked about you. You were the local Hero. A true Hero. An American Hero.  And after hearing about you I can remember looking out the window and praying to God that you would make a miraculous recovery, praying that you would, “come back” because I wanted the fairy tale happy ending for you and your family. Then I met you.  My heart broke and my soul ached the first time I saw you.  At that moment I realized that, “surviving” is more than just a heartbeat or breathing. At that moment, my prayers changed, and I prayed that Gods will be done… whatever that might be.

                I remember the heartache I felt when the Doctors discussed your condition and your likely prognosis. And I remember how broken your wife looked when she listened on. She was missing her other half. A piece of her that she so desperately wanted back, yet there was nothing she could do to change the circumstances. What was done, was done. A week later while your wife was sitting with you by the window- you did something miraculous. While enjoying the sun shining through the windows- your wife was enjoying one of the Popsicle they often had on the floor. You looked at her. I don’t know if you know this or not, but you always looked at her.  We could try for hours to get your attention, to get you to “come out”, to follow commands, but the minute she walked into the room- your eyes went straight to her.  She jokingly held up the popsicle for you that day, and offered you a piece, not expecting any reaction- and you ate it.  I have never seen such pure, unadulterated, honest, joy in my entire life.  When she came running down the hall to tell everyone, it was like the fourth of July. Something so simple, eating a popsicle, and yet it had changed her world.

                I didn’t get to work with you very often, and in fact, I was only able to talk to your wife a few times. But I’ll never forget what she said to me. “I would choose him. If given the choice between the freedom and prosperity of thousands of children, or having my husband back- I would choose him.”

                People ask if its worth it, if the price paid is justified. And with the recent death of Osama Bin Laden- which I am CONFIDENT you would celebrate with a beer and a cigar- I ask myself, “is it worth it”. The patriotic soldier in me says yes. “For the man on my left and right”- that’s why we fight. Just like in the movie Black-Hawk Down- “When I go home people'll ask me, "Hey Hoot, why do you do it man? What, you some kinda war junkie?" You know what I'll say? I won't say a goddamn word. Why? They won't understand. They won't understand why we do it. They won't understand that it's about the men next to you, and that's it. That's all it is.” I know you feel the same way. I know that because after the explosion- after you were injured- the only 2 things you asked about we’re your Marines- and your family – nothing else- not even your own catastrophic injuries.

                I only knew you and your family for a very short time. And I am proud to say that I helped to take care of a true American Hero.  I have no idea where you are now, or how you are doing, or if you have long since passed.  All I know is I still pray for you and your family. To me, you are the face of this war. To me, you represent the price paid by so few for so many. To guarantee that the next generation will have the same freedoms and opportunities as the one before it. In my eye’s you are the face of this war, and your family- your wife- represents the pain and anguish that so many will never understand, because they have never HAD to pay, because you were the one to pay for them. Millions of people will go to bed tonight, not even thinking twice about the cost of their freedom. Their ignorance is willful bliss.  

Other’s will go to sleep tonight- laying in an empty bed- wrapped up in an old t-shirt, and trying so bitterly hard to remember the way it felt to have their loved one hold them.  So many others who will never get that welcome home- never get that warm embrace and loving kiss- so many children who will never know a father or mother and so many others who will live a lifetime without the ones they love, because THAT is the price that was paid.

I think about you every day, and the price that you paid. I look forward to the day we meet again- so that maybe you will know how monumentally you have changed my life.  Never again will I take for granted the simple joys in life or the joy of my family and friends- because now I know what they cost.

Peace be with you. We will meet again.

Lowering the bar

I am way to hard on myself a lot of the time. I am a self proclaimed perfectionist- and if I had my way I'd be great at EVERYTHING..... but I'm not. In fact its been really hard for me over the years to accept that there are just some things I may never be good at. For example Chess- Matt skunks me every time we play chess- I still play, because I delusionally think that someday I will beat the insanely smart kid who has all the chess strategies memorized -- it will never happen-- but I still try. Another perfect example is PT. I am not, nor do I think I ever will be, what we in the military like to call PT studs. (physical training stud). It wont happen. I am as slow as molasses in January when it comes to running, and I have close to no upper body strength. But I still try. Because I don't know how NOT to try.
The last PT test I took I scored a 230. ( to clue you in there are a total of 3 events, all worth 100 points. so even though a 230/300 equates to a 76% -if you want to think of it like a grade-- its still the lowest I have ever gotten). Admittedly it was a bad "Ted" day. Lots of pain, lots of cramps, it was cold-- the "excuses" go on, and on. And to be fair- the people who know about Ted- specicially my command- all applauded me for even getting a 230- the way they saw it- I had just gotten over being sick, I have a tumor, and I'm in an extremely difficult program that leaves little to no free time. But still for me. I was disappointed. After that PT test "Ted" was EXTREMELY angry with me. EXTREMELY angry. In fact so angry, that he decided that during the sit-ups event of my PT test he would rake across the inside of my intestines and basically give me Irritable Bowel Syndrome- IBS. Basically I was sick- Nausea, Vomiting, Diarrhea- for a week. HORRIBLE.  So after that Army said I could do the minimum amount of work I needed to pass my PT test- 19 pushups, 54 sit ups and run an 18:50 2 miles- and call it good- to appease "Teds" anger.
I don't know how to not try though. I just don't. Its just not in me. Even if I have an excuse, even if its totally logical and makes sense, I just can't do it. So today- I went out there with the mentality that I would do the best I could. And what do you know! I got a 267! I did 41 push ups, 75 sit ups and ran my 2 miles in 16:59. Lowering the Bar for myself meant that I felt that much better when I surpassed it! Im pretty proud of that! "ted" is still a little angry- and I may pay for that later- But Im still really proud of myself!
And by the way-- today was my last day of nursing school. Im DONE! Honestly- I kinda feel like I just got let out of jail! hahaha a strange analogy I know... But I feel like I just got set free!

A work in progress.

So continuing with my new goal of "changing the way my brain thinks" I did not get to actually take my "beauty walk" today, if you haven't noticed its raining again. But I did get to admire something beautiful, and thats the creek that runs alongside the Skull Creek Running trail here in Fayetteville. Its always got a little trickle (lately more like a roaring river with all this rain) but getting to listen to the soft water, and occasionally see a baby duck always makes me feel like Im at peace with the world.
On a totally separate note, I got almost no sleep last night. Went to bed at 10... and laid there.... and laid there..... and rolled over......... laid some more.............. rolled again.......... adjusted pillows............................................more laying....................... *sigh*......................................... more laying.............................................rolled again.................... well shit. At 2 am I finally got frustrated and took some sleeping pills. And then I woke up at 8:15 (when I was supposed to be in Rogers) and then ultimately had to make the mad dash to get up and be ready and in Rogers in time for church. Its a hormonal thing... I know. Its just one of those things I have to learn to live with until Ted comes out and my hormones go back to normal.. but LORDY!  I did in the end make it to church on time. Unfortunately though I was more focused on my racing heartbeat the whole morning though. Sitting in the church pew- calm and quiet- my heart rate was truckin' along about 110.  Stayed up there most of the morning. Luckily now I'm back down to 55 (where I normally run). But I think I am going to have to do some serious adjustments with the drug they give me to counteract the hormones. I know this is my last month of having to take it.. but good lord. I'm 24 and I have a tumor, I don't want to add heart attack or stroke on top of that!
And by the by- apparently my blog has 200 views now. So that means 200 people (or 2 people- 100 times) have read my non-stop pissing and moaning about Ted. So either people care about me, or ya'll have nothing better to do. ;-) I'm going to take the self centered approach and just assume its because you all care about me. :-)