facing the facts

Well- we are in the 48 hour countdown to finding out whether or not I have another tumor. And throughout all of this I keep seeing a recurring lesson, "accept the things you cannot change". I just wish it were an easier lesson to learn and actually hold onto. I go in on Wednesday for the final verdict and the part that makes it extra suck is 1. I wont be able to talk to Matt, either to tell him good news, or for us to be there for each other for the bad news. and 2. the next day is our 1 year anniversary. I am so incredibly blessed to have him in my life and I honestly can't imagine things without him. But it will definitely put a damper on things if I find out I have another tumor. Time to face the music- how does that prayer go?

                God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.

Well Shit.

So today was my post-surgical follow up down here in Texas.Just a rough update without giving to many gory details, but  recently I've been having more "complications". So today was the day that I went in for my ultra-sound. wasn't super impressed, but thats probably because my Mom is so awesome at ultrasound that I am spoiled by having someone who is a total expert in the area... BUT long story short, the lady was very concerned about not letting me see the screen as she was taking images- and usually that only means one thing. Bad news. To top it off as I was leaving I was able to glance over at the screen, and low and behold there it was... and Im pretty sure it was another tumor.
Now- rationally- I can't be certain- but Im like 65-35 on this that I know what I saw. And given that Ive been having a lot of "complications" lately.. it would make sense. I dont actually get to talk to the Doctor until next wednesday- so it will be the waiting game again.
...

Mother fucker. (excuse my the language)- but to be honest- Im tired of this shit.. Im 24 years old- and holy shit if this ends up being tumor #2.... well then good God, Im flabbergasted.
I asked my friend Stephen what I should do about it, and he gave me some pretty sound advice. I told him I was tired of fighting this fight and he says " I was tired of fighting my fight in Iraq too- but you keep doing it. Because at the end of the day, giving up isn't an option. So you fight. Because its what you have to do." So here I sit now... trying not to focus on it. Definitely good advice from another friend there- and I wait till Next Wednesday the 14th to find out whether Im going to be putting on the boxing gloves again for round 2.
Here's praying for good news, but honestly- Im expecting the worst.

P.s guess this means I should be thinking up new names for this possible new tumor...any suggestions?

2011- what a year...

This last year was a tough one. It seems like every corner I turned there was another challenge ahead of me. Between my car being hit my an uninsured driver, being in one of the worst hail storms in Arkansas that almost totaled my car ( and thanks to faulty repairs now my car floods when it rains) my computer crashed, I found out about my tumor, had my tumor rupture, had surgery, and NOW Im waiting to find out if everything is healing ok, only to find out this morning that my Grandmother passed away.

Wilda Rae Henry was a pretty awesome lady. Always full of practical advice- she called things like she saw it and had an incredible love for sports. She worked her way up through the postal system and became a post master in california in the 70's- not an easy feat for a woman at that time. She raised 2 awesome kids and was an extremely loving, generous woman. She passed away this morning after struggling with COPD at 87.

In hindsight of everything- its sort of a relief. No longer does she have to struggle to breath and I know that this morning she was greeted in heaven by family and my Grandpa John who left us in the 90's.

Looking at all this reminds me that I have so much to be thankful for. This past year has also brought some absolute blessings. Matt was brought into my life, and honestly I am so thankful to have someone so supportive and loving. I graduate with my Bachelors degree in Nursing, I commissioned into the Army- and I was fortunate enough that, even though I had the tumor, I made a full(ish) recovery.
2011 has been a hell of a year- both good and bad. But you can't have the ups without the downs, so heres to living life, loving and laughing, and appreciating everything you have.

3 months and counting...

Well- its been a while since Ive posted on here, so I figured I should probably post an update. Things have been going fairly well. Im down in San Antonio finishing up some Army training before I head to Washington DC.
Today Was offically 3 months since surgery and things have been going pretty good. Although as things have gone along I still seem to have more and more small complications. After surgery they told me occasionally I may have contractions as my uterus heals- and boy were they right! Sitting in class the other day it happened and let me tell you, thats a hard thing to cover up! I just excused myself and went outside- but good lord- Not a fun thing to have happen out of the blue like that.
I had my surgical follow up- which was INTERESTING to say the least. The specalist I was supposed to see had to go out of town unexpectedly... so I got to see the OTHER doctor... Ya.
That didnt go over so well. Not only was the guy about 40 years past retirement, he was only "vaguely familiar" with my condition... but then felt the need to question the medications I was on... the nurse even told me that I should see another doctor. Lol. You know its bad when the nurses are tipping you off. So now Im trying to figure out how to get an appointment with the Doctor I was SUPPOSED to see. Getting a Doctors appointment in the Army is like pulling teeth.
I'm still doing well with my weight- and honestly its incredible to me how much better I feel after the surgery. Not to mention how FLAT my stomach is now!!! Probably the greatest part of the whole thing.
But alas I am continually reminded of the "might not be able to have kids" thing. At the Doctors appointment the guy flat out said, "So your gonna get pregnant any day now right!?" ~Sigh~ No. No pregnancy for me.
I know I want kids, but I just feel so unready for that right now. And there are so many things I want to do, I honestly just dont know how to do it all. The problem is I want my cake and I want to eat it too... and I really just dont know how to do that.  O'well- heres to living another day- as blessed as I am and trusting that God will make it all work out!

24 going on 44

I feel so old. Chronologically I may be 24, but more often than not I feel more like 34 or 44. I blame it on the hormones on the fact that this last year has taken A LOT out of me, on the fact that Im only 2 months post major abdominal surgery, and the fact that we get up extremely early and are going, going, going, most of the day. Its not the end of the world- if I HAD to keep going- I could. But if theres an option- I'd rather just go to bed early.

People have this expectation that at 24 I should go out and get trashed every night- and I understand that for some people this time in their life may be the first opportunity they've had to be social and flirt and be wild and have, "fun". But for me- been there done that. Shamefully enough I've been drinking for almost 10 years. Ask people who know me from back in the day- I could keep up with the best of em. Ive done everything from chugging 40's to having a cigarette put out on my arm (not my smartest moment). Ive had my crazy party days- but honestly now- Im ok with it being a little more mellow- call it age- call it wisdom- call it "old woman syndrome" whatever-  Im ok not making an ass out of myself in public for the sake of a "good time". But I'll be glad to laugh at the rest of them as they do!

In the Army

So this past week Ive been in San Antonio Tx attending my officer course for nursing before I head to Bethesda MD.  Things so far have been good. Mostly its just been a lot of paper work and nothing too crazy. Were staying at a super nice holiday inn- can't complain about that- and we have a fair bit of time off. The only thing thats really sort of been frustrating has been getting used to my "normal" hormone therapy. Ive finally finished taking all my extra doses and now Im back to just taking my Ovcom-35. My body is still adjusting- which will take a while- but its just part of the "process".

Before I came down here though- the Army never signed off on me being "medically cleared".  My doctor did- but the Army didnt. So now sometime next week Ill have to go back to the doctor to start the process of getting referred so that I can go see a specialist and then be cleared finally. Heres hoping for the best.

Other than that Im super excited that I will be getting to see Matt soon. October 22 to be exact!! 13 more days!!
Heres hoping that this week goes smoothly and that I get medically cleared- otherwise theres gonna be trouble!

pure exhaustion

Let me start off with this: I dont want your pitty. I dont want it, and I especially dont need it. And I really hope that the people who read this dont see it as a plea for attention. I write on here because the last year has been a little rough, and with everything Ive been through I thought (as well as several Doctors thought) this might be therapeutic and also informative.

I feel so old right now. Ive been called an old soul before- and I inside I still feel like the same person- but my God on the outside... Im just so flippin tired. There aren't even words to explain in. I know its caused by the medication- I know its just part of this whole deal. But good Lord All Mighty.... I need some help with this one.

People dont even understand when I tell them, 'Im exhausted"... they just think "well arent we all!?" It makes me want to show them... makes me want to slip a few of my pills into their oatmeal each morning and see how they feel after all those shitty hormones.

After making an  Im exhausted statement once, an older lady came back with, "Oh Honey- wait till your MY age! THEN  youll know exhaustion". I cant imagine it getting any worse than this- short of not even moving during the day- so lets hope from here on out things improve.

Its frustrating though- especially when you want to do things with all the kids your own age- like go out and drink, or stay up late. Its 11:00 as Im writing this (mostly just to get this off my chest) and I can barely keep my eyes open- and I had a nap today.
I try so hard not to let people see it in me during the day- and I hope that Im sucessful at that. I dont want people to look at me and think how tired I look. I'm 24 and I realize the world isnt fair- but Ill say it again- its just not fair.
Cant stay awake any longer- just too exhausted.

The good and the bad.

Its been a while since I've written anything on here. Things have been going well. I took my post surgery PT (physical training) test for the Army and did very well. I set a personal goal of 270 for myself and scored an overall 275! Definitely made me feel good. PT still makes me nervous. I'm afraid Im going to revert to my old accident prone ways and end up hurting myself.
Today was my first post-surgery ultra sound, and it was good and bad all at the same time. The good thing is that internally it looks as if my incision has healed. Its slightly strange because when you look at the ultra sound my uterus looks like this big chunk is missing. There is a small cyst of some-sort in the scar of my uterus. We werent really sure what that was- however the Doc will look at it tomorrow and they will let me know.
For the last week or so Ive stopped taking the estrogen supplements and they started me on progesterone- this is the sort of "reset" button for my body, and was a key point of treatment in retaining my ability to have children. After weeks of estrogen therapy and another week of progesterone they expected the endometrial layer of my uterus to be "thick and healthy" (gross I know)... but unfortunately thats not what we saw. In fact it was very thin and did not look like it was forming very well. There is a possibility that my body just hasnt had enough time to recover- and that eventually my uterus will become "healthy" again- but right now theres no way to know.

Progesterone also makes me very cranky (frankly bitchy). I think after being on all that estrogen for so long I got used to to the "emotional" side of things. But the progesterone sends me from zero to pissed in like 2 seconds. I feel bad- because I really dont mean to be so... well... mean. But it just happens. I feel like this whole year has taken such a toll on me, mentally and physically.

Originally I was making arrangements to have friends help me during my recovery period- but my parents insisted that they would work it out and they did. Now it seems like I have accrued this debt that Im unable to pay back- I always just figured thats what family is for... but life lesson #321,445,456 there is always a cost - nothing in life is free.

Its so frustrating.... to know that no matter what I do- no matter if I excercise, eat right, take all the right meds, no matter what I do I can't change the outcome of all of this.

hormones make girls crazy.

As a female I think I am allowed to say that we, as a gender, are slightly off quilter as it is- we all have those girly tendencies that we know are ridiculous and yet we take part in anyways- like watching chick-flick movies you know will make you cry or running extra laps at the track so you can have an extra scoop of ice cream later. We all do it- and hormones are to blame. I think estrogen is seriously the root of all craziness, and now that Im taking EXTRA estrogen I feel like I have suddenly turned into this huge ball of crazy with crazy sprinkles on top.

Part of the problem is that Im still on medical leave- which ends Next Tuesday THANK THE LORD! So sitting at home all day 1. is boring as hell 2. leaves me with nothing to do but think. and 3. doesnt challenge my brain at all so I seriously feel lately as if I have Alzheimer the way I forget things.

I am definitely one of those people who should be kept busy for the sanity of others. When Im bored or dont have sufficent things to keep my mind occupied I tend to Overthink EVERYTHING (this is my worst crazy feature). My brain has this incredible ability to read MILES into ANYTHING- I have a random dream- now Im wondering if its a sign and it means I should change things. I watch a sad movie- now Im wondering if I need to rethink how I go about things. Someone doesnt text me right back- did I say something wrong? Dinner burned- I am now a terrible cook who should never cook anything again.  It goes on, and on, and on, andonandonandonandonandon and on and on. SO.

The good news is- the extra estrogen ends soon- WOO! So I guess in the mean time Im gonna have to stay just slightly crazy.

what pressure?

So, starting about a week or 2 before surgery I started having some major issues with my blood pressure. Mostly I noticed it when it was extremely hot and I had been working out or working in the yard, but about 15 minutes after whatever activity ended I'd start to feel light headed, then sorta faint, then came the cold sweat, and then came the: "Oh #$%^ I think I might pass out" feeling. The first time I took my blood pressure when this happened I had a whopping 47/33 blood pressure ( you need at least 60/30 to supply your kidneys). I chugged some water- made sure someone knew I was feeling faint, laid on the floor, knees to chest- and 30 minutes later I was up to 90/50. Thats happened about a dozen times now.
Theory is its a vagal response or a vasovagal syncope (syncope means you pass out- which I dont pass out, because Im smart and I hit the "oh #$%^" position on the floor before I get that bad). Basically your vagus nerve (the 10th cranial nerve) runs from your brain, down your neck, through your heart, and down into your abdomen (roughly) and it stimulates the body to act in ways that it will lower the heart rate. Wiki it if you REALLY just have to know more about the wonderful vagus nerve. So essentially the vagus nerve can be stimulated by a few things: pain, extreme emotional distress, tumors, any type of pressure directly to the vagus nerve, etc. etc. etc.
So last Doctors appointment I let the doc know my B/P is still bottoming out- I usually run low 100/70's (normal being about 120/70)  and he says we'll watch it, and it SHOULD get better. If not- I get to go to the beloved cardiologist for MORE tests.  I wouldnt be so concerned- except it doesnt seem to be going away. And seeing as how I'm leaving for Army training soon- I REALLY need this to go away ASAP.  But on a positive note- it doesnt seem to happen when I go for my bike rides- so lets hope I can work through it. Gotta love recovery- but on a positive note- as my good friend reminded me the other day- IM TUMOR FREE (knock on wood)!!!

A little more than average...

So- being a medical person I can tell you from personal and proffesional experience that when they say things like "Its a 6 week recovery" or "it takes 4 weeks to heal" etc. What they are giving you is an average. For example: My niece broke her arm. They said 6 weeks to heal. However her cast came off in 3 weeks because WALLAH! its an average. Well, I dont think Ive ever wanted to be average at anything. And although I am not a pro at physical fitness I would like to think that at least I am maybe SLIGHTLY (if only minutely) above average. Considering that around 50-60% of people my age are overweight- and although I have my problem area's that puts me SLIGHTLY above average.  So me being me, and HATING recovery and not doing anything, I got up and walked 12 hours after surgery- about 12 hours sooner than most people. After 2 days I was up and walking around, almost like normal. And at 2 weeks I tried to run- that I was not to successful at- but I tried it, and I think effort counts for something. So since running didnt work well Ive been riding my bike. Average I do about 7 miles in about 30-45 minutes and its actually pretty nice. Although my thighs are kinda sore from the bike seat, which is definitely NOT made for comfort. To top it all off, out of sheer curiosity I did 10 sit ups today. But DONT tell my doc. Im pretty sure I would end up hearing the, "take it easy" schpeal again. It didnt hurt, but I do notice a little soreness now. I think my plan is going to be to do small abdominal workouts and stretches throughout the day over the next week or so, and work into doing my full 2 minutes of all out situps like I do for my PT tests. The run will be the next challenge.
But overall I think Im doing pretty good. I'm definitely not one of those people whose gonna run a marathon anytime soon- but doing a 7 mile bike ride less than a month after having my stomach cut open- pretty good I think!

Recovery sucks.

So- Today is officially 2 weeks from surgery, which means I get to start "light cardio" today if I can tolerate it.  Recovery is not fun. Its not the pain, or the discomfort, cramping, or any of that stuff- its the not doing anything. I'm bored- and I hate it. I'm one of those people that is much happier when I am busy and have lots to do. So sitting around the house is KILLING me.
I've been keeping myself busy with crafts- although I dont think I'm very good at it. But it at least gives me something to do. I made some baby booties for a friend who just had twins- and someone suggested I sell them on ETSY.com- so I may do that.
The estrogen still sucks. Let me tell you- women have enough hormones naturally- getting an extra dose twice a day is just HORRIBLE. I cry at everything. The life alert commercial continually makes me bawl like a 12 year old girl!!! Its AWFUL (and slightly embarrassing). Im supposed to be on another 6 weeks of this medicine- so 8 weeks total- but my Doctor said if the side effects are still bothering me than we can cut it short. However, we still have not done a post-surgery ultrasound to see what kind of damage there is gonna be to my uterus- so.. when that happens that may change the treatment plan.
Seems like lately every time I turn around I'm hearing or seeing something related to people having kids or getting pregnant.  I think mostly its made me appreciate how much I want to have my own kids sometime, (and although I wouldnt choose it this way: if I want that it has to be sooner rather than later).  Last night when talking with a friend I got the same old, " Just freeze your eggs- then you can get pregnant later". I really wanted to be like "Eggs aren't the problem jackass- if you dont have a uterus YOU can't BE pregnant." But I just did what I always did and nod agreeably. I know it will work out- it always does- but the unknown is still crazy. Time to put on the big girl pants and accept that there are just some things that are out of my control.

I CAN WALK! (sorta)

Ok. Let's be honest here. No one, not even my mom, wants to talk about menopause. I'm 24 and I am essentially in menopause hell after a week on hormones. I'm not literally in menapause- but with all the hormones I get the same side effects, also similar to pregnancy, but I say more like menopause because Im not pregnant. Hello night sweats, hot flashes, headaches, chills, nausea, and what is with the weird taste I have after I eat ANYTHING! BlleeeEEEccKKK!!! Everything tastes like chemicals. Well guess that means I should be eating less right!?
Good news is: today I got the OK from my Dr. (who is amazing by the way) to walk! WOOO! WALKING!!!! I did 20 minutes to start on the treadmile and walked 1 mile. I felt like I was doing pretty good and then when I finished and saw. "Distance= 1.0 mile" and it was like hearing the "wrong answer" cue on the game shows.. Waaah-waaah-waah.  Bummer.

BUT! Its a start. And you gotta start somewhere right!? RIGHT.

So tomorrow I plan to walk again. Maybe this time for 25 minutes- or maybe do 20 minutes once in the morning and try again in the afternoon. Baby steps.

I'm also thinking about re-doing my blog and adding more stuff on here about fibroids- specific to women my age. Turns out there's not a lot out there information wise if  your young with fibroids. Hmm I may need some help with that.

Dear estrogen- We're not friends.

Ug. I've only been back on the hormone therapy for like 3 days and its already horrible. Hello hot flashes, mood swings, random crying (I cried at the life alert commercial... COME ON!) and poor Matt has to put up with me. Only 26 more days until I'm done with the massive doses of estrogen. Only good thing is: my nails look beautiful- but my hair is falling out- how does that work!?
Recovery is going .... I felt like I was doing so good, and then yesterday this one 3 inch spot near my incision was just KILLING ME. In fact, I woke up at 5 am this morning because it hurt so bad and had to take my pain pills. I SO want to get off of those. Good news is I'm not taking anything at night- no ambien or valium, and I'm sleeping ok- minus the periods where I wake up when I move wrong. I did break a fever last night- which is very worrisome. Getting an infection would be a HUGE setback and very dangerous to my health. But I do have a doctor's appointment tomorrow so, hopefully I'll get some good news. We're still waiting to hear back from Pathology- so hopefully we'll hear about that tomorrow too. Still haven't been able to get on that treadmill and do that mile I've been aiming for: but I guess I can't beat myself up too much, it hasn't even been a week since surgery. Here's hoping I start feeling better and start kicking this thing in the butt.

On a side note: I'm trying really hard to stay positive- statistically people like me (young and with larger tumors) something like 70% end up with recurrence (and generally the tumors are bigger) *the more tumors- the less likely you are to be able to have kids. I've felt pretty good about things for the most part: but yesterday I  had this moment where I just sorta got the feeling that things weren't gonna stay good for very long. Very hard to explain. Just sort of one of those, "OK *sigh* I know whats gonna happen". It almost felt like God was giving me a heads up. A lot of my friends have been having kids lately and it definitely makes me think about the future. I have a feeling I'm going to have to make that decision a LOT sooner than I ever thought I would have to. Hear's hoping for my fighting attitude to come back soon...

Out of the Fog..

So. Here is I sit, in the downstairs bedroom, surrounded by my kleenex, makeup/hygiene bag, vomit bucket (classy I know)  my chicken noodle soup, and LOTS of prescriptions. Thanks to an error with dietary in the hospital- they let me eat solid foods WAY before I should have, and therefore I made myself very very sick. Note to self: vomiting with a huge abdominal incision is very, VERY painful. We finally got the ok for me to take some anti-nausea medicine and it helps alot, but it makes me VERY drowsy and just can't think real clear. 

 Before Surgery                                                                                        After surgery- still very swollen

                                                      In the hospital- BEFORE the vomiting started.

I have been walking better which is VERY good. Im hoping to get up on the treadmill tomorrow and walk a mile (or try to). I got on the scale today and it says Ive gained 10lbs. 166. NOT HAPPY. I know a lot of that is probably fluid on my stomach, which is still very sore, but Im trying really hard not to take my pain meds. Im terrified of becoming addicted.  So far, Im taking my pain pills, valium, ambien, and phenergan- thats a lot of REALLY strong drugs.
We haven't heard back from pathology yet- but no news is good news- generally speaking fibroid tumors are hard- and mine was squishy- because of that they are slightly concerned, but they are still very confident its just a fibroid. I should have a follow up appointment this Wednesday for another ultra sound and and a check up.
The surgery was very sucessfull- but there was some damage to my endometrium- so because of that I get to go back on 30 days of hard core hormones- oh joy. So Ill go ahead and put up the pictures of ted so you all can see. Kinda graphic so if you dont want to look- here's your warning now:

5 am update

Well, its 5 am. And I'm awake. Im going to try to get this done, but between the valium, ambien and dilaudid, my thoughts are a little woozy if you will. Surgery went well.. I think. I didnt get to talk to the doctor yesterday, but I should be able to today. Apparently they also found a peritoneal cyst outside my uterus, and this may have also been creating complications. I dont know how big it was, or if it was removed- so I should find that out today.
I'm still in the hospital- they took my catheter out this morning, which kinda sucks because now I have to get up each time I want to pee. I've already walked as well. Once last night, and once again this morning. Walking doesnt hurt too much, just the moving to stand up part and the sitting down part!
Didnt get a whole lot of sleep last night, would sleep great for a few hours then Id  be wide awake. . Strange. Pretty sure the pain pills make me hear  things..lol. Last night I woke up a few times because I thought I kept hearing someone say "toilet paper" lol. ODD for sure.
I may end up staying an extra day in the hospital, we'll see how i feel this afternoon when I decide. iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii  <- sorry I feel asleep for a second. Anyways, Im off to take another snooze... Pictures to come soon!

'Twas the night before surgery

'Twas the night before surgery, and all through the land, not a creature was stirring not even to play rock band. The bags were all packed by the door with great care, all in great hopes that Ted soon would be fair. I was all nestled up, on the couch where I hid, while I drooled on myself drugged up from dilaudid. My mom in her nightgown, my dad in his hanes, had just settled down for a long cribbage game.  When out of the living room there arose such a clatter, my mom dashed to the door and yelled "WHATS THE MATTER?!" There I lay in a pool of my drool, had fallen off the couch, in an attempt to be cool. When the next morning came, we made a great sprint, and arrived at pre-op just in the nick! Question upon question, they came out like mad: allergies, alcohol, tobacco, NSAID!? After finishing it all, and doing so quick- it was time for surgery, it happens that quick! On Doctor, On nurse, on anesthia too, "we'll knock you out, just Count backwards from two!"  When you wake up you wont know whats the matter, morphine and versed, you'll really like the latter!  So when you get done you'll be sore and quiet tired, but free you will be from a tumor that got fatter.  Dont worry, dont fret, the surgery can be quiet crass, but ultimately you'll be free from that pain in the ass!!
Note to self- trying to rhyme while drugged up on pain drugs- HUGE challenge. See you all after surgery!

In the world of Pee Op, I mean PRE op.

Predictive text is a pain sometimes. People kept texting me today asking what I was up to, and I kept trying to text, "going to my PREop appointment" Predictive text however decided I was going to my "pee op" appointment. lol Between that and my tumor "pooping" (supposed to be popping) predictive text has just been fabulous. I got everything done today that I needed to at least. I even managed to get some more comfy shorts for after surgery from Walmart when I went to pick up my prescription. I'm definitely not looking forward to having to stay in the hospital. :-( But, I'm trying to look at this from a positive perspective: One thing that I think has always helped me be a better nurse is that I have some experience what its like to be a patient. Up until now I have been lucky enough never to have to stay overnight in the hospital, so now I will have a little better perspective on what my patients go through. I really do wish Matt was here though, I dont think its fair that my parents are going to get stuck taking care of me for the next week or two when Matt gets to sit in California and play X-box. ;-) He does a lot more than that. But I still wish he was here, even if it was just so he could hold my hand before surgery. Ya I know... Im sappy like that.  Anyways. Thats whats new in my world. I am going to request pictures from my Doctor so MAYBE if you all are lucky you can actually see a real life picture of Ted after they remove him.

I need YOU!

So. Surgery is next Thursday. And throughout this whole ordeal I've always tried to have a sense of humor about how things have gone. Since the first time my friend Kelsey asked me what we should name my tumor, its just been a lot easier for me to be lighthearted about things than to be super serious (although I do have those Moments). SO. I'm trying to come up with ideas of what to write on my stomach before surgery. Something humorous that will give the OR team a laugh. Nothing perverted obviously, but something to keep things light when faced with a serious situation. My mom thought it would be funny to put the cut out marks like kids have on their drawing sheets

I thought that would be kinda funny. Or to write "goodbye Ted the Tumor" above my belly button. So lets hear some suggestions!

Pop goes the weasel!

So Ted finally gave out. 4 am this morning I woke up in excruciating pain. I laid there for about an hour before I made some conclusions. 1. the pain didnt seem to be going away. and 2. it hurt like hell. So much so that I couldn't move my legs or sit up. I couldn't even take a deep enough breathe to call for someone to come in and help me. Luckily I was able to reach my phone and text my mom. Must be awkward to get a text from your 24 year old child in the guest bedroom at 4 am saying, "Could you come in here please."
So a quick trip to the ER resulted in some pain meds, some fluids, a bunch of people asking me how long I've had ovarian cysts - me:"No, I dont have a cyst, I have a uterine tumor"  tech: "Ok, so how long have you had cysts?" me: "Not a cyst, T. U. M. O. R."  tech: "oh ok" then in comes the nurse, "So how long have you had ovarian cysts?" me:"I DO NOT have a cyst. I have an intramural leomyoma, uterine fibroid tumor, that is pushing through the basallar layer of the endometrium" Nurse : "so like a cyst right?". me: "no. Not like a cyst. Like a tumor." Nurse: "oh ok." Doctor comes in. "So I think your pain may be from your cysts" me: "Fuuucccccckkkkkk. No cyst. Tumor. I can spell it for the staff if you would like".
At that degree of pain, and that degree of jack-assery my tolerance wears thin pretty fast. I do appreciate them for quickly giving me some pain medication, and at least for the ER doctor admitting he was WAY out of his expertise and letting me see my doctor.
So results when I saw my doctor: Tumor has grown and there is a significant amount of fluid (presumably blood) on my abdomen, which we believe to be caused from a rupture in the tumor. Blood, outside of the vascular space is very irritating and that in combination with the rupture is what is causing all of the pain. Basically, Ted popped  (funny side-bar story: so after being drugged up on pain mediation I kept trying to text matt what was going on. and apparently I was trying to be funny and say "ted popped" but what I was actually saying was "Ted pooped" Matt kept getting really confused because he couldnt figure out how a tumor could poop. Hilarious). There was also some question about whether or not some of the tumor may have necroses (died) and so now I am scheduled for surgery next Thursday at 7am. feel free to send flowers, chocolates, candies, (totally kidding).
So now I am home. Pain is ok. Huge thanks to my awesome parents who had to cart me around today like a 3 year old child while I was spouting profanities about how much pain I was in. Everything happens for a reason, and I have a great doc. So next weeks blog will be looking for funny ideas to write on my stomach for the OR team...and now Im gonna go sleep some more.

When Denial runs out.

It is much easier for me to live in denial about this whole tumor thing. MUCH easier. Denial is wonderful. You pretend like nothing is wrong, you laugh openly, you joke, you play, you run around, you do all the same things normal people do. And its great.
Really. Truly. Great.
The problem is, that at the end of the day, when your lying there peaceful at night, daydreaming about all the things people day dream about, THATS when reality catches up, and denial runs out.
It's the same old problem I've been having the whole time. I feel fine... or at least I don't feel horrible. I have pain, but its not like its not something I can't handle. I've been handling it just fine so far!
Recently, impending surgery has sort of been wreaking havoc on my brain. Unlike normal surgeries- this surgery has the potential for some very serious, very life changing complications.
I'm 24. Someone telling me I may never have kids, I may get a hysterectomy, I could get adhesion's, I could get Ashermans syndrome (a form of severe adhesions), These are things I don't want to deal with.
The old phrase is totally true: God doesn't give you things you can't handle. But just because I can "handle" it, doesnt make it suck any less. And it sucks.
It Sucks A lot.
Today I went in to meet with my "primary" doctor. The first step towards surgery in regards to my new insurance. When asked what my appointment was for I explained that I needed a referral to an OB/GYN. So I go back to the room, the Doc comes in, and  we start to talk, I ask him to check out this bump on my leg real quick (just a general- hey BTW kind of question) and in comes his nurse as he's looking at my leg. She smiles, and says " You dont have a baby on your leg silly- Your baby is in your tummy! Silly girl".
I'm not really sure the look I had on my face. But the combination of her total ignorance in regards to OTHER reasons someone might see an OB/GYN and her total condescending nature I'm almost positive my distaste showed on my face. I was nice though, and explained that I wasn't pregnant: I have a tumor ( and I wasn't using tumor as a funny way of describing pregnancy). It was kind of a slap in the face, and honestly just sort of drug down my spirits.
Part of me still thinks if I ignore it, it will go away. I know it won't. And I know that I've been putting surgery off for so long that I'm risking more than just my ability to have kids.
I guess what I really need right now are prayers. Prayers that my spirits will rise, that I'll get that fighting drive back, and that I'll tough this out like I've been doing all along.
As for now, its time for bed, which means my denial is all run out for the day, and its time to face reality....

And the fates chose ICE CREAM!

So last night I had the hardest time in the world motivating myself to workout. I've been pushing myself to work out everyday and to try and get into excellent condition so that recovery from surgery is easier. I'll let you know how it works out after surgery. So FINALLY at like 8pm I get the motivation to go up there and workout. I've realized the trick is to go look at a bunch of pictures of skinny girls with lots of muscles and that usually works to get me up off the couch. So I ended up running my 1.5 miles, beat my time by 30 seconds. Then did a second mile with .2 mile sprints and a light jog in between, and I did it on a 2 inch incline.Then I did  40 incline pushups, 10 dive bombers, 75 straight leg sit ups, and 40 burpie squats. All in all a pretty solid workout! And as usual, afterwards I was craving something sweet. So I decided to let the fate's decide. And went looking for a coin to flip. Heads ice cream- Tails no ice cream. Let me just add that in my house there are pennies and quarters everywhere... and last night I had the hardest flipping time finding a stupid coin to flip! Alas, I finally did find one, and as the title implies- Fate decided I should have ice cream, so I had a small bowl.
In other news (as if your not interested in my ice cream eating habits :-) ) surgery should HOPEFULLY be next week, or soon to follow. I have a Doc Appointment on Monday and from there I'll be set up with a specialist. I'm not really expecting to hear anything new. Just the usual "Oh SNAP! You need surgery!!" lol. Afterwards I will probably be put on medical leave for a while. I've been praying a TON that my time off will allow me to maybe go see Matt (if he is not training) since his pre-deployment leave will overlap my training schedule. So keep your fingers crossed for that. I strongly believe that God brought Matt and I together, and we've been through a lot already just with this tumor, so I have faith that he will align things so that matt and I can see each other before he deploys.

Everything you ever wanted to know about tumors. And then some.

So I've written a lot about my tumor, lovingly named Ted, but I've never actually given a "medical" description of what I have. So I figured I might put some info out there, just because.  Ted is what is known as a leimyoma, more commonly called a uterine fibroid.
Fibroid tumors in themselves are not all that uncommon- I will however add that its never really a "good" thing to have a mass of non-function hysterically reproducing  cells anywhere in your body.  Normally the typical fibroid tumor occurs in the "older" (I use that term vaguely and in a non-offensive manner) female, generally those who have already had children, and more often than not, those approaching menopause. Fibroid tumors can occur in just about any size, ranging from barely visible (small pea) to massive (basketball size).
Generally IF they are seen in women younger than 30, they are VERY small, and are non-symptomatic (I'll explain the symptoms in a moment).
At this point it helps to know a little about the uterus: uterus's have 3 layers.

The endometrium on the inside of the uterus (this is the very vascular tissue that prepares for implantation by the ovvum once a month and sheds off = monthly visitor) the myeometrium- the middle layer that is very muscular- its this part of the uterus that is the "work horse" of contractions during labor. And then there is the Para and Perimetrium- the 2 outer layers that surround and cushion the uterus ( basically).
A tumor generally grows in 1 of these 3 layers. If it grows in the endometrium, you get a perdunculated fibroid- think of almost like a tennis ball in a sock. The weight of the tumor pulls itself down, and the attachment can be "clipped" fairly easily and removed laproscopically. These tumors are well contained and generally do not bleed excessively. Then there are tumors that grow in the myeometrium- This tumors are meaty, and erode away the muscle. They tend to be bigger and cause a lot of complications. Then there are tumors that grow in the Peri/Parametrium- these tend to again be smaller and easier to remove, although problematic.

VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY rarely, these "fibroids" turn cancerous and become whats known as a leimyosarcoma- its almost always fatal and IF it gets caught early enough, a radical hysterectomy is needed. Its a VERY aggressive form of cancer.
So the symptoms of a fibroid depend a lot based on where the tumor is growing from.  Typical symptoms are: heavy periods, blood clots, anemia (from the clots), pain, nausea, vomiting, back ache, urinary retention and/or frequency, and gynecological hemorrhage.  
So here is where Ted gets complicated. Ted is a myoleimyoma. Hes growing in the myeometrium (muscle). Problem is that ted is growing in such a way that it is stretching (and threatening to tear) the endometrium (VERY vascular)= the gynecological hemorrhage they mentioned. In fact there is less than a sheet of paper  thickness at this point seperating me from rupture and hemorrhage. Next problem is is that the "erosion" as you might call it, on the endometrium creates scar tissue. Scar tissue= lots of trouble having babies. NEXT problem (as if I dont have enough) is that Ted is "irritating" my intestines, because now that it cant push "inwards" and further its now started stretching the peri/parametrium and is bulging outwards. NEXT problem is, this nasty bulging is creating a visible bump, and also creating fluid on my abdomen.  NEXT problem is: Ted is awfully close to my fallopian tube, which the docs are afraid may be damaged by association. Great. Ted made friends with my fallopian tube and now its been "corrupted'. Shit. Next problem, and most recent of which is that Ted also seems to be putting pressure on my vagus nerve, which is resulting in my DRASTIC drops in blood pressure. SO. There you have it. The Medical IN/OUTS of Ted. And here is a picture of Ted: look for the cross hairs. Thats him. He's about the size of an orange.