I need YOU!

So. Surgery is next Thursday. And throughout this whole ordeal I've always tried to have a sense of humor about how things have gone. Since the first time my friend Kelsey asked me what we should name my tumor, its just been a lot easier for me to be lighthearted about things than to be super serious (although I do have those Moments). SO. I'm trying to come up with ideas of what to write on my stomach before surgery. Something humorous that will give the OR team a laugh. Nothing perverted obviously, but something to keep things light when faced with a serious situation. My mom thought it would be funny to put the cut out marks like kids have on their drawing sheets

I thought that would be kinda funny. Or to write "goodbye Ted the Tumor" above my belly button. So lets hear some suggestions!

Pop goes the weasel!

So Ted finally gave out. 4 am this morning I woke up in excruciating pain. I laid there for about an hour before I made some conclusions. 1. the pain didnt seem to be going away. and 2. it hurt like hell. So much so that I couldn't move my legs or sit up. I couldn't even take a deep enough breathe to call for someone to come in and help me. Luckily I was able to reach my phone and text my mom. Must be awkward to get a text from your 24 year old child in the guest bedroom at 4 am saying, "Could you come in here please."
So a quick trip to the ER resulted in some pain meds, some fluids, a bunch of people asking me how long I've had ovarian cysts - me:"No, I dont have a cyst, I have a uterine tumor"  tech: "Ok, so how long have you had cysts?" me: "Not a cyst, T. U. M. O. R."  tech: "oh ok" then in comes the nurse, "So how long have you had ovarian cysts?" me:"I DO NOT have a cyst. I have an intramural leomyoma, uterine fibroid tumor, that is pushing through the basallar layer of the endometrium" Nurse : "so like a cyst right?". me: "no. Not like a cyst. Like a tumor." Nurse: "oh ok." Doctor comes in. "So I think your pain may be from your cysts" me: "Fuuucccccckkkkkk. No cyst. Tumor. I can spell it for the staff if you would like".
At that degree of pain, and that degree of jack-assery my tolerance wears thin pretty fast. I do appreciate them for quickly giving me some pain medication, and at least for the ER doctor admitting he was WAY out of his expertise and letting me see my doctor.
So results when I saw my doctor: Tumor has grown and there is a significant amount of fluid (presumably blood) on my abdomen, which we believe to be caused from a rupture in the tumor. Blood, outside of the vascular space is very irritating and that in combination with the rupture is what is causing all of the pain. Basically, Ted popped  (funny side-bar story: so after being drugged up on pain mediation I kept trying to text matt what was going on. and apparently I was trying to be funny and say "ted popped" but what I was actually saying was "Ted pooped" Matt kept getting really confused because he couldnt figure out how a tumor could poop. Hilarious). There was also some question about whether or not some of the tumor may have necroses (died) and so now I am scheduled for surgery next Thursday at 7am. feel free to send flowers, chocolates, candies, (totally kidding).
So now I am home. Pain is ok. Huge thanks to my awesome parents who had to cart me around today like a 3 year old child while I was spouting profanities about how much pain I was in. Everything happens for a reason, and I have a great doc. So next weeks blog will be looking for funny ideas to write on my stomach for the OR team...and now Im gonna go sleep some more.

When Denial runs out.

It is much easier for me to live in denial about this whole tumor thing. MUCH easier. Denial is wonderful. You pretend like nothing is wrong, you laugh openly, you joke, you play, you run around, you do all the same things normal people do. And its great.
Really. Truly. Great.
The problem is, that at the end of the day, when your lying there peaceful at night, daydreaming about all the things people day dream about, THATS when reality catches up, and denial runs out.
It's the same old problem I've been having the whole time. I feel fine... or at least I don't feel horrible. I have pain, but its not like its not something I can't handle. I've been handling it just fine so far!
Recently, impending surgery has sort of been wreaking havoc on my brain. Unlike normal surgeries- this surgery has the potential for some very serious, very life changing complications.
I'm 24. Someone telling me I may never have kids, I may get a hysterectomy, I could get adhesion's, I could get Ashermans syndrome (a form of severe adhesions), These are things I don't want to deal with.
The old phrase is totally true: God doesn't give you things you can't handle. But just because I can "handle" it, doesnt make it suck any less. And it sucks.
It Sucks A lot.
Today I went in to meet with my "primary" doctor. The first step towards surgery in regards to my new insurance. When asked what my appointment was for I explained that I needed a referral to an OB/GYN. So I go back to the room, the Doc comes in, and  we start to talk, I ask him to check out this bump on my leg real quick (just a general- hey BTW kind of question) and in comes his nurse as he's looking at my leg. She smiles, and says " You dont have a baby on your leg silly- Your baby is in your tummy! Silly girl".
I'm not really sure the look I had on my face. But the combination of her total ignorance in regards to OTHER reasons someone might see an OB/GYN and her total condescending nature I'm almost positive my distaste showed on my face. I was nice though, and explained that I wasn't pregnant: I have a tumor ( and I wasn't using tumor as a funny way of describing pregnancy). It was kind of a slap in the face, and honestly just sort of drug down my spirits.
Part of me still thinks if I ignore it, it will go away. I know it won't. And I know that I've been putting surgery off for so long that I'm risking more than just my ability to have kids.
I guess what I really need right now are prayers. Prayers that my spirits will rise, that I'll get that fighting drive back, and that I'll tough this out like I've been doing all along.
As for now, its time for bed, which means my denial is all run out for the day, and its time to face reality....

And the fates chose ICE CREAM!

So last night I had the hardest time in the world motivating myself to workout. I've been pushing myself to work out everyday and to try and get into excellent condition so that recovery from surgery is easier. I'll let you know how it works out after surgery. So FINALLY at like 8pm I get the motivation to go up there and workout. I've realized the trick is to go look at a bunch of pictures of skinny girls with lots of muscles and that usually works to get me up off the couch. So I ended up running my 1.5 miles, beat my time by 30 seconds. Then did a second mile with .2 mile sprints and a light jog in between, and I did it on a 2 inch incline.Then I did  40 incline pushups, 10 dive bombers, 75 straight leg sit ups, and 40 burpie squats. All in all a pretty solid workout! And as usual, afterwards I was craving something sweet. So I decided to let the fate's decide. And went looking for a coin to flip. Heads ice cream- Tails no ice cream. Let me just add that in my house there are pennies and quarters everywhere... and last night I had the hardest flipping time finding a stupid coin to flip! Alas, I finally did find one, and as the title implies- Fate decided I should have ice cream, so I had a small bowl.
In other news (as if your not interested in my ice cream eating habits :-) ) surgery should HOPEFULLY be next week, or soon to follow. I have a Doc Appointment on Monday and from there I'll be set up with a specialist. I'm not really expecting to hear anything new. Just the usual "Oh SNAP! You need surgery!!" lol. Afterwards I will probably be put on medical leave for a while. I've been praying a TON that my time off will allow me to maybe go see Matt (if he is not training) since his pre-deployment leave will overlap my training schedule. So keep your fingers crossed for that. I strongly believe that God brought Matt and I together, and we've been through a lot already just with this tumor, so I have faith that he will align things so that matt and I can see each other before he deploys.

Everything you ever wanted to know about tumors. And then some.

So I've written a lot about my tumor, lovingly named Ted, but I've never actually given a "medical" description of what I have. So I figured I might put some info out there, just because.  Ted is what is known as a leimyoma, more commonly called a uterine fibroid.
Fibroid tumors in themselves are not all that uncommon- I will however add that its never really a "good" thing to have a mass of non-function hysterically reproducing  cells anywhere in your body.  Normally the typical fibroid tumor occurs in the "older" (I use that term vaguely and in a non-offensive manner) female, generally those who have already had children, and more often than not, those approaching menopause. Fibroid tumors can occur in just about any size, ranging from barely visible (small pea) to massive (basketball size).
Generally IF they are seen in women younger than 30, they are VERY small, and are non-symptomatic (I'll explain the symptoms in a moment).
At this point it helps to know a little about the uterus: uterus's have 3 layers.

The endometrium on the inside of the uterus (this is the very vascular tissue that prepares for implantation by the ovvum once a month and sheds off = monthly visitor) the myeometrium- the middle layer that is very muscular- its this part of the uterus that is the "work horse" of contractions during labor. And then there is the Para and Perimetrium- the 2 outer layers that surround and cushion the uterus ( basically).
A tumor generally grows in 1 of these 3 layers. If it grows in the endometrium, you get a perdunculated fibroid- think of almost like a tennis ball in a sock. The weight of the tumor pulls itself down, and the attachment can be "clipped" fairly easily and removed laproscopically. These tumors are well contained and generally do not bleed excessively. Then there are tumors that grow in the myeometrium- This tumors are meaty, and erode away the muscle. They tend to be bigger and cause a lot of complications. Then there are tumors that grow in the Peri/Parametrium- these tend to again be smaller and easier to remove, although problematic.

VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY rarely, these "fibroids" turn cancerous and become whats known as a leimyosarcoma- its almost always fatal and IF it gets caught early enough, a radical hysterectomy is needed. Its a VERY aggressive form of cancer.
So the symptoms of a fibroid depend a lot based on where the tumor is growing from.  Typical symptoms are: heavy periods, blood clots, anemia (from the clots), pain, nausea, vomiting, back ache, urinary retention and/or frequency, and gynecological hemorrhage.  
So here is where Ted gets complicated. Ted is a myoleimyoma. Hes growing in the myeometrium (muscle). Problem is that ted is growing in such a way that it is stretching (and threatening to tear) the endometrium (VERY vascular)= the gynecological hemorrhage they mentioned. In fact there is less than a sheet of paper  thickness at this point seperating me from rupture and hemorrhage. Next problem is is that the "erosion" as you might call it, on the endometrium creates scar tissue. Scar tissue= lots of trouble having babies. NEXT problem (as if I dont have enough) is that Ted is "irritating" my intestines, because now that it cant push "inwards" and further its now started stretching the peri/parametrium and is bulging outwards. NEXT problem is, this nasty bulging is creating a visible bump, and also creating fluid on my abdomen.  NEXT problem is: Ted is awfully close to my fallopian tube, which the docs are afraid may be damaged by association. Great. Ted made friends with my fallopian tube and now its been "corrupted'. Shit. Next problem, and most recent of which is that Ted also seems to be putting pressure on my vagus nerve, which is resulting in my DRASTIC drops in blood pressure. SO. There you have it. The Medical IN/OUTS of Ted. And here is a picture of Ted: look for the cross hairs. Thats him. He's about the size of an orange.

A new low. Literally.

So recently Ive been working very hard to get into good physical shape in preparation for having surgery. The "healthier" you are when you go under the knife, the easier recovery will be. I normally work out 3-4 times per week, but for this past week Ive been working out everyday, pushing myself harder to try and get back into shape. Which Ive written about on here before. So far so good... Ive lost an inch off my hips and .5 inch off my waist, and I feel pretty good. 
So yesterday I wanted to push myself. I started off with a 1.5 mile run, started off with a jog, then progressed into sprints and trying to advance my run time. Finished, felt pretty good. A little shaky but whatever. Then I went into 2 minutes of sit ups like we do for PT tests, got a solid 80. A little more shaky. 35 burpies (squats with a jump) I notice that Im actually pretty cold and clammy, my pulse is pretty thready, and now Im starting to feel really light headed. So I decide (as Ive been told to do) to go take my Blood pressure. The first reading I took, I was 100/65... low. Then I stood up, waited a minute, and took it again, 49/33. by this time my vision was closing in, and I took the "oh shit" position on the floor with my knees to my chest. As you can tell Ive been prepped for these possibilities by the Docs, so honestly at the time I wasnt as freaked out as I am now looking back on it.  Ive had B/P drops before, but Ive never had it go that low, not to mention that it took over an hour to get it back up.
So now Im left dealing with this NEW problem. Granted Ive felt pretty good. The "theory" is that the tumor puts pressure on the vagus nerve on occasion and when I work out it makes it worse, therefore dropping out my B/P. lovely. So I took today off from working out. Which sucks. But tomorrow hopefully Ill get to get back at it.. with NO problems.

The belly button conudrum.

So, the last time I was at the Doc he mentioned to me that when I have surgery they want to try and do it laproscopically. I like to call it the Chinese finger trap method of surgery (use some imagination). So they go in from two different angles, one of which is through my belly button. So here comes the conundrum. So YEARRSSS ago in my infinte wisdome (were talking like 14 year-old wisdom) I decided to get my belly button pierced and the guy did a HORRIBLE job. The jewlery "traveled" basically they didnt pierce it deep enough and the jewlery tore out during a soccer game. DISGUSTING. So years later I got it re-pierced. I do like having my belly button pierced. Its sorta girlie and cute I think and it makes me feel skinnier for some reason. BUT. Everyone know what happens to belly button piercings when down the road you decide to have children (which eventually is something I will have to face). SO... the conundrum... so part of having the surgery through my belly button is that they will have to "recreate" my belly button afterwards which means that they could actually remove my old piercing and reshape the new one without a piercing. In fact thats the way that it probably will have to be done, and then afterwards I have to make the decision weather to pierce it again or not... so the question.. to pierce or not to pierce, since I will be getting a new belly button!

The struggle.

I have always struggled with  my weight. When I was really young (13-14) I was super skinny because I was playing sports all the time, but after several injuries and not being as active my weight started to go up. I peaked out in 11th grade around 170 lbs with about a 35% body fat. I was pretty chunky. Then my senior year I ended up with their weird stomach problem where I couldn't eat and ended up loosing around 40lbs in 3 months. I dropped my weight down to around 130 at the lowest and plateaued around 145. I was pretty happy with that, although I was still pretty sickly. My weight slowly crept up and when I joined the Army I was pretty excited because I thought, "FINALLY I'll get that body I always wanted". I was wrong. Although I was working out constantly my first year in ROTC I ended up gaining weight- again up to about 170. Yes, yes, I know.. it was muscle, and my body fat % was much lower this time, around 25%. But STILL... for some reason the # matters to me. When I started nursing school the workouts dropped off dramatically and the body fat went back up, but my weight stayed around 167. When my Ex and I split, I actually did really good and lost around 15 pounds. I got down to 150 and I was THRILLED! Then came along Ted. Oh how that tumor is such a pain in my ass. With the change of medications I went through I ended up gaining 15lbs in 3 weeks and my body fat went up like crazy. On top of that I was still working out and eating a low calorie low fat diet. Gotta love hormones. So thus I am where I am now. After lots more medication to get me to loose the weight Ive been around 155 for the past few months, but I want to do better. With this upcoming surgery I need to be in the best shape I can possibly be in if I want a quick recovery. So Ive started working out every day. And so far Ive done pretty good. Granted this is still fairly new. But still. Everyday Ive been doing SOMETHING. I said I wouldnt put any conditions on it like "run everyday" or "100 situps" everyday, but when I do that it never gets done. I merely said I would do SOMETHING, and so far it has worked, and so far, my thighs are definitely feeling it! So heres hoping that this gets a little easier and that the # starts to look a little better!

Blessings in disguise.

Well, things with Ted have been fairly normal. Ive had small bouts of complications the last few days, but nothing major. I did have a 2 day period of random emotional craziness and poor Matt had to deal with me. Poor guy. I'm really good about admitting when Im acting crazy because of tumor drama.. but he still has to sit there and deal with me. Bless him. Hes too good to me. But... I do find myself having the same old arguments I was having with myself earlier this year. A year ago exactly I was told that if I want children of my own I have exactly 5 years (and that was a generous estimate). I want children of my own. Its never something I considered optional in my life. The problem is, that right now, I just dont feel ready. Is that ever something your really ready for? I still want to go to medical school, I want to get my first deployment done, I want to travel and get my debts paid off.... on top of which I think Matt feels the same.. so many things we want to do the tumor just throws such a wrench in everything.
So the blessing in all of this: last Doctors appointment I was told that I need surgery ASAP before some SERIOUS bad stuff starts happening. And today I was told that I will be in the area until October-ish.. which means there is a good possibility I could have surgery relatively soon. Problem is... Im terrified of surgery.. I mean.. having this tumor is sort of like having high blood pressure... you dont feel like anything is really wrong. I mean ya I have pain, the IBS, the "complications"... but I've had all of that for so long that its just sorta normal for me now.. Im TERRIFIED. ABSOLUTELY 100% terrified of having surgery and ending up worse off.  So what do I do ... Do I wait.. do I risk not having children of my own in order to achieve my own personal goals.. or do I try to make everything fit together in some crazy convoluted way. So frustrating. But.... again. Everything happens for a reason, I just have to take what I know, and make the best decision I can.