Well, things with Ted have been fairly normal. Ive had small bouts of complications the last few days, but nothing major. I did have a 2 day period of random emotional craziness and poor Matt had to deal with me. Poor guy. I'm really good about admitting when Im acting crazy because of tumor drama.. but he still has to sit there and deal with me. Bless him. Hes too good to me. But... I do find myself having the same old arguments I was having with myself earlier this year. A year ago exactly I was told that if I want children of my own I have exactly 5 years (and that was a generous estimate). I want children of my own. Its never something I considered optional in my life. The problem is, that right now, I just dont feel ready. Is that ever something your really ready for? I still want to go to medical school, I want to get my first deployment done, I want to travel and get my debts paid off.... on top of which I think Matt feels the same.. so many things we want to do the tumor just throws such a wrench in everything.
So the blessing in all of this: last Doctors appointment I was told that I need surgery ASAP before some SERIOUS bad stuff starts happening. And today I was told that I will be in the area until October-ish.. which means there is a good possibility I could have surgery relatively soon. Problem is... Im terrified of surgery.. I mean.. having this tumor is sort of like having high blood pressure... you dont feel like anything is really wrong. I mean ya I have pain, the IBS, the "complications"... but I've had all of that for so long that its just sorta normal for me now.. Im TERRIFIED. ABSOLUTELY 100% terrified of having surgery and ending up worse off. So what do I do ... Do I wait.. do I risk not having children of my own in order to achieve my own personal goals.. or do I try to make everything fit together in some crazy convoluted way. So frustrating. But.... again. Everything happens for a reason, I just have to take what I know, and make the best decision I can.
2 comments:
Honestly I don't think you're ever really ready for children. But it's a Great adventure! You have your whole life to explore travel etc but if your time is limited to have kids it's a matter of do you want them or no?
I completely want Children. And I know if I dont have them, or if I miss my limited opportunity to have them, it will always be something I regret. Its just a very life changing decision to make.
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