Its so NOT like Tv.

So recently I've gotten a lot of crap from family for writing and being open about my tumor. Specifically they are worried that someone might see it and use it against me later as a means of disqualifying me for a job or insurance or something like that. And I have considered their concerns, but I stand by my response, that I'm not going to be ashamed of it. It sucks bad enough without having to hide it like a dirty secret. Today I was watching Army Wives (episode 7, and yes its my guilty pleasure). Say what you want about it, and the sometimes less then Emmy acting but it does bring light to some issues, however off the mark they may be. For example, in episode 7 Claudia-Joy has been having some pain and goes to see her doctor. At the end of the episode, her boss walks into the office to find her crying, and then the dramatic reveal, "I had some pain, and the Doctors found a mass".

I gotta say, at least for me.. thats totally NOT how it went (granted everyone is different). For me, I had pain-- woke up 4th of July morning, HUNGOVER like you would not believe...lol. I had spent a great weekend with some of my greatest friends, my twin Kelsey, and our two buddies Harris and Ski.  But when I woke up that morning, my stomach hurt like I had pulled a muscle, but worse. So I ignored it, not every little ache and pain needs attention. As we were driving back the following day (hung over yet again) we decided to stop by this little place called dog patch USA (a seriously creepy abandoned amusement park here in Ar-- straight scooby doo style!) We decided to look around, and when we were heading back to the cars I rolled back under the fence and when I sat up.. BAM! SEEERRRRIIOOUUUSSS pain. I thought I had given myself an inguinal hernia!

3 days later I sat in the Doctors office my mom works for and she did an ultra-sound (they figured I had ruptured an ovarian cyst). Sure enough, there sat the bulge of tissue from my ovary where the cyst had ruptured, and a good bit of fluid in my abdominal cavity... and then we saw Ted. My mom didn't even have to say anything, I could read the look on her face and know she found something that was definitely not normal. So I asked her what she found, and she said "well, it looks like a mass, definitely not a cyst, but we'll have to have one of the Doc's look at it". And my response....... "Ok." I didnt even feel anything. It was about the same reaction as if someone had just told me that the capital of California was Sacramento. "Ok.. Thanks". In fact I went through the whole of July and August just bee-boppin along. Went on active duty for a while, working for the Army, came home, went back to school... and then I had my follow up.

So there I sat in the doctors office, with him looking at the scan, and he tells me "Ok, so you might not be able to have kids, this thing could rupture at any moment and you could bleed out, and at any point you could develop more, the one you have could grow (cutting off blood supplies and perfusion to my kidneys) or you could create so much scar tissue that even surgery isnt an option, oh and by the way if you ever would like to have children *if you can * you've got less than 5 years before your probably gonna need to have a hysterectomy". And again.. my response was, "well thanks Doc, appreciate you seeing me on short notice!" and I left.
It wasn't until 3 weeks later that all that sunk in and I collapsed in the shower crying. And since then its been a continual pendulum of "Im ok with things" "Im not ok with things". Just depends on the day I guess. Sort of anti-climactic right? I think it would have been MUCH better if I had the cool theme music Claudia-Joy got! I mean come on! Who doesn't want the theme music when they get told dramatic news like that! Especially at my age! ;-)

So today I'm actually doing ok with things, I try not to let my life focus around it, although it seems like lately Ted has been popping his ugly little head into EVERYTHING. But I'm trying to hold it together. But I guess the lesson in all of this is: don't always believe what you see on tv!
 
The weekend I found out about Ted.