So yesterdays problems resulted in me going back to talk with the counselor... and again, she was very helpful. Seems like when one thing goes wrong they all go wrong, and the complications I had yesterday just left me feeling lifeless. But talking to her helped. And my new mantra, as opposed to "just keep going", is now "just keep swimming"... the Dorey song from finding Nemo. According to my therapist, "just keep going" sounds negative and daunting... but who can resists smiling when a little blue fish is singing to you right!? We talked about everything that has been going on, including the complications, and that 1. Accept the things I can't change (IE other peoples problems, my tumor-which isn't going anywhere anytime soon) and 2. Do something for me. Its been a LONG time since I've done something for me... and I LOVE gardening. Absolutely LOVE IT! When I was living with my parents years ago, I planted this HUGE garden, vegetables, flowers, fruits, you name it.. but alas thats just one more thing Nursing school stole from me. But NOT anymore! Yesterday I went and bought some flowers from walmart, along with a strawberry plant to put out on my balcony. I filled a planter with Dianthus, stock, and salvia (red white and blue) and its gorgeous. Simply getting my hands dirty made me feel better. I'll put up pictures. This morning was again disappointing as there were more "complications", so following doctors instructions, I took a pregnancy test (required before you start extra estrogen), which was negative, and I started taking my extra dose of hormones. Kind of going along with all of this, I've started to notice some life dynamics... since I got diagnosed with the tumor there have been very few people who have actually been there for me on a regular basis. One is my Twin Kelsey (not really my twin, shes my best friend though, we just look a lot alike so we call ourselves twins) and .... well.. Thats really it. All the other people in my life sorta... tip toe around the issue. They check in from time to time here and there, but they check back out shortly there after... Kelsey is the only one who reliably asks, "So how are you today".. it doesn't even have to be about my tumor! And Actually I prefer that it not always be about Ted, as it is so named. I dont want my life to be engulfed by this huge mass in my uterus.. so simply asking me about my day is plenty! So the thing I've noticed most, is how a lot of the people in my life, people I would consider mentors, when I needed them the most, when I was having a rough week because of a hard diagnosis, or when things were getting to be too much to handle, they just couldn't step up to the plate. And on the flip side of that, it amazes me some of the people who have stepped up to the plate at those times. People I NEVER would have expected... and its not even that they did anything huge. They didn't give me prophetic advice, or teach me some inspiring new life lesson.. all they did was little things. Like smile at me, like one of our Sgt's did this morning, and tell me he was glad to see me. Regardless of whether it was true, it cheered me up. Or like one of my other staff members who helped me deal with a problem. She didn't ask for gory details, she didn't gripe, or make me feel like I was being a huge inconvenience, she just said "Ok, we can take care of this". Sometimes, its those little things that make such a HUGE difference. After realizing all of this I definitely think I am going to try to change how I do things day to day. lately I've been too consumed in my own problems to even just smile at people as they walk by. So its time to return the favor, and tell someone else "good to see you".
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